( the device clicks on silently, the video feed completely white for a moment before it’s properly readjusted to show ikki’s stupid looking t-shirt. jesus, who still wears shit like this? someone give him some decent clothes.

rolling back in his wheelchair, he gives the camera a clear view of the two spot-lights and the huge white board behind him that seems very shoddily placed up onto the slate wall behind him. are they on a roof? it looks like they’re on a roof. how did they get all this stuff and then all the way up here on top of that?

ikki’s right hand shoots out to point towards the bold text on the white board. there’s a crude drawing of their team insignia, which have already been conveniently stickered across the city. good job team!! and more importantly, there are the words: )

THIS CITY BELONGS TO THE
GREAT KOGARASUMARU!

Clear all the damn wax outta your freakin’ ears and listen up!! This is the most important news you’re gonna hear! We’ve taken over this City as piece of our territory and we’re not just going to stop here either! Kogarasumaru never rests!! This place is just one among many!

( he taps his fingers against the white board twice, eyes still trained onto the device. )

Remember this mark! This is the mark of your saviours! Your holy god who has descended upon you with his almighty wings and faithful minions!

( a beat. then, in the background, all sotto voce - ) ... is that even recording?
( not ic cut )

[Have a rather annoyed Charlie, just flat out frowning at some random woman who accosted her in the baking aisle of the grocery store. The angle of the camera is odd, peeking out at her from her jacket pocket and the woman is elderly. Also, apparently, very vocal and adamant that Charlie listen to her as she proceeds to go into great detail about sex.

Charlie was probably set to just glare the entire time, but the elderly lady has started using words like 'cock' and 'dick' and Charlie, with the maturity of a three year old, claps a hand over her mouth in an effort to not laugh. Old people swearing. It's not pretty. After being berated for not listening, Charlie crosses her arms over her stomach and apologizes, composing her face into a more attentive and serious expression. The woman finally finishes before storming off and Charlie is left wide eyed and shocked and still giggling slightly.]

Wow. Wow. Holy hell. That was...that was uncomfortable. [A pause, a shake of her head and a sigh.] I don't think I'll ever un-hear any of that. Ever.

[She's going to continue grocery shopping, unaware that the device just recorded everything that just occurred until she reaches into her pocket for it. Oh, hey! It's on.]

Well! I don't know how much of that any of you guys caught, but the next person that starts giving me The Talk will get something thrown at their head. I know how all of that works. I don't need...I don't need a repeat of what just happened.

[The device gets switched off.]

[Dawn has been busy today. She's picked up Tony's dry cleaning, ordered coffee and donuts delivered to each City Solutions department with a little note that reads 'Have a good day. -Dawn Summers'. She's moving from department to department in the City Solutions building checking on projects and progress just to see where everyone is at this point and what supplies need to be ordered. Yep, she's working through her to-do list and feeling very productive. Now if she could just find the time to get her own things done too.

The audio feature comes onto the network with a Dawn voice behind it.]

Just a reminder to the City populace that City Solutions is always looking for new employees. If your specialty is in robotics, weapons, programming, medical engineering, physics, chemistry and other cool things like that, let's have a chat. We also supply funding and necessary electronics, should they be needed, to up and coming businesses in the City that need a little help getting off the ground. So if that's your thing too, let me know.


[ Private to housemates... & Faith ]

I'm thinking about trying to cook something that isn't dessert for dinner tonight. So I'll be stopping by the store on the way home. Anything we need slash want slash desire slash have to have? I'll add it to the list!



ooc: Any City Solutions staff feel free to run into her as she's running about. And I'm gonna put a dinner thread in here too so the Warehouse people can congregate for dinner.

Okay, no, no, no...

Please. No more sex talks. I can't take it anymore.

... Besides... after the past couple of weeks... I think I could start giving some lessons.

Gentlemen, calling your penis your wand is not cute, funny or attractive. Find a different term, and thank me for the advice later.

[ Minerva has been attempting to curb her desire to inform the citizens of the nameless city with her own tips and ideas. Responding to her may only feed this need to Sue Johanson everyone. ]

Cameron's gone home.

[And that's all he'll say. He probably won't talk too much about it either because Derek doesn't talk about personal things with just anyone and he knew he shouldn't have let himself get that close to anyone in the first place. And yet...]

[Raphael has a pointer in hand and is currently jabbing it towards hand-drawn but accurate, labeled diagrams of male and female reproductive systems. First at one, then at the other, as if he's instructing a small child.]

Depending on who you ask, this is either the most natural thing in the world or a perversion of the highest order. Regardless, it has its inconveniences.

[Without half the amusement this might seem to warrant, he sets down the pointer and puts up a picture of a baby, covering up the diagrams.]

So I suggest using protection.

[A box of condoms and a pack of birth control pills zoom from off-camera into his hand. He holds them both up for inspection.]

[... And then with even less amusement, he puts up a picture of a red-eyed, one-winged angel on top of the first.]

Please.

[No amusement left at all, as he shakes his head slowly, pushing back a few strands of hair before putting up a picture of a demon. He looks at it for a second before turning to the camera again, edge of his mouth starting to tilt into as near a grin as he can manage--]

-- But once you've ensured that everything's safe, enjoy yourselves. Experiment. If you ever need any tips, don't hesitate to let me know.

(OOC: ... ahaha. He'll explain if asked, but in Angel Sanctuary, the product of an angel/angel union is an inbred i-child, which tends to have red eyes and one or no wings. The product of an angel/human union, allegedly, is an Evil.)

Do you know what they call French kissing in France?

[ Of course you don't. That's why Ariadne is going to tell you. ]

There are a few different names for it -- "baiser profond", or deep kiss; "baiser avec la langue", or kiss with the tongue; and "baiser amoureux", or love kiss. In Austria, French kissing is slang for oral.

Any questions?

I'm back. I thought this was a dream but...

[ there's a pause. simon's frowning, and walking very quickly down the street. he looks somewhere between embarassed and irritated. all this advice is coming at an awkward point in time for him. ]

Why is everyone trying to talk to me about sex?

[Filtered from Known DELILAH Members || Unhackable]
[Private to Princess Rosella || Unhackable]
Princess Rosella--

I do strongly advise you to avoid looking at the Network today, if that is at all possible. From what I have so far seen, you may find it a bit much today, if I may put in such a way. It does seem as though there's a curse, and one that, while mild, may yet be rather affecting. I should hate to hear of you being disturbed or upset by such a curse.

I realise my message to you may come too little too late, but I could hardly bear to leave a warning unsaid when there's yet some chance it may do some good.

I do hope you'll be well today, regardless of this curse. And I certainly hope you've recovered from your ordeal last week.
[//end private filter]

It does seem as though there is a curse today. I suppose we couldn't avoid them forever. I shall try to be grateful that it is a mild one. After all, we could have been made to endure real horrors and torments after such a length of time.

We did have a curse a few days ago--the one with the colorful building blocks. I felt no particular desire to do especially much with them, though they were amusing, after a fashion. I suspect Merry would have enjoyed them, if she were here. And they were rather clever--I believe quite a few of the chairs here in the opera house were built of those same blocks.

Still, we are, most obviously, enduring another curse today. And I suppose there is little to be said about it. The nature of it and the effects of it are quite plain whether one is viewing the Network or on the streets. I think I have very little otherwise to say about it.

However, I should like to thank all those well-intentioned people who are devoting such energy to providing knowledge to those whom they feel to be in need of such knowledge, but let me assure you that I have no particular need of such knowledge. I think it would be a much better use of their time and energies to find those who may truly be in need of such knowledge and to give this knowledge to them. I, for one, am not in such dire need. Please, do seek out someone more in need of this knowledge, but also willing to learn.

Surely, a willing student is the most important part of a teacher's success.

Besides, I do already know what you're trying so delicately to tell me--Believe me, I know it better than you think, if only from firsthand experience--I'd tell you so, but I'm not sure what good it would do me--In all honesty, I think I could rather correct a few of you--

~C.
[//end filter]

[ooc: Look, he might be a player and a ladies man, but he's still sort of Victorian about these things. I mean, there's scandal and then there's scandal. Besides, get too bold and none of the ladies will talk to you at all. It's all a rather entertaining game.]

You guys have it all wrong. People aren't born because of men and women doing...that. They're born when someone sticks a Keyblade into their heart to free it and makes a couple of new people without hearts as a result. They don't even need diapers.

[pause]

At least, that's how I was born.

If you're going to have sex with an alien species, make sure to talk to your doctor first. Chances are they secrete pheromones that will alter your way of thinking, secrete oils that will give you an allergic reaction, have spines attached to their genitals, or have suckers on their tentacles. If that doesn't put you off the experience, we'd at least like to make sure we've vaccinated you against whatever they might be carrying -- which we can do in 2258, at least where I come from. We'd also like to get a look at your partner, especially if it's a species we don't know much about. That'll make our job easier later on.

Remember that a lot of species, even humanoid ones, are probably stronger than you. Vulcans, Romulans, and Klingons all have two legs and two arms, but they can break you in half. Hell, in Klingon society, breaking a clavicle on the wedding night is considered a blessing. A lot of species may think that you having sex with them is a proposal of marriage, too; make sure you know your alien cultures before you stick it in, because if they're part of the Federation, it might be legally binding.

[Hey guys! Stephen Stills is all up in your device. He's seated in his room, an extremely serious look on his face. This is serious business, okay?]

So I'm not going to tell you guys where babies come from, or which bit goes in which other bit, because either you know that or you're too young to find out. I grew up in Southern Ontario in the 90s, and the sex ed curriculum there is pretty... thorough. But there's one thing no one ever talks about.

If you think you might be gay, don't just fucking ignore it and hope it'll go away. It's not going to change just because you're afraid your parents are going to freak out, or all your friends will ditch you. Or, you know, worse. And for god's sake, don't wait until you're 24 years old to work it out and realise you wasted four years of your life trying to convince yourself you're into a girl you clearly don't have any interest in.

I think maybe if someone'd told me that when I was 15, my life so far would have gone really differently.

[Stephen takes a second before he leans forward and shuts his device off.]

[This was an inevitable happening.]

Like we can't just grow children in petri dishes... So you put aside some eggs for the unfortunate day you decide you want an organism of your own, and sterilize yourself in the meantime. Problem solved.

[Don't even need men involved, not that Carla would advocate a purely lesbian society.]

Although I wouldn't trust anyone here to be clean on a first glance, none of you keep your papers on you which should be routine, so the condoms are probably a good idea too. At least until you've taken a family trip to the doctor's office. It might save time to do it as a group, rather than waiting on everyone individually... Maybe that takes some of the spontaneity out of it, but you'll have more options in a group. Exponentially more. It probably makes up for it, when you get down to it.

[Thus concludes sex-ed with Carla... Get sterilized, use condoms, get tested, have orgies.]

How to have sex with a Time Lord

1. Patience. Lots of patience.

2. Help him save the universe multiple times, saving his life personally in the process if necessary.

3. Don't be afraid to stand up to him and let him know when he's crossing the line. He has to know you're not scared of him even if you are scared of what he's capable of. There's a difference

4. When he abandons you for your own good, don't stay abandoned. There's a difference between patience with him and waiting for something that's not going to come. You're not the first one he's left behind so be the first one that crosses universes to find him.

5. Rewrite time.

6. Make him regenerate. Not on purpose. It's better if he does it in order to save you or the universe. I'm still a bit fuzzy on which he was doing.

7. Get locked in a universe with him. This helps because he has to slow down enough to realize it's a possibility.

8. Be patient. Let him know how you feel but don't be pushy about it.

9. Make sure that he knows you know how he feels about you too.

10. Let him know he's worth it. All of it: Monsters, danger, the universe.

11. Helps if you figure out that whole feelings transfer thing. Personally, I sort of think we were on track anyway, that just pushed it along.

12. Don't be afraid to take charge, take a stand and lay down some rules. This ties in a bit with not being afraid to stand up to him.

13. Write a letter to Santa Claus.

14. Bit padding my ego here, but I think it helps to be me.

Hey guys! So I've spent a lot of time in my day cooped up in a lot of hospital waiting rooms, so I've read my fair share of porny bodice-rippers. Which, by the way, are just another example of the totally brilliant stuff you guys come up with. But there is one thing I wanted to set straight.

Wings are not giant erogenous zones. Whoever came up with this has clearly never dealt with a pair of their own. It would be totally impractical, and makes absolutely no sense. They're just an extra set of limbs. You wouldn't want to be turned on every time someone brushes into your arm, or you run somewhere quickly. And remember, we have to use these things for flying. That would cause serious problems.

The rest of it, though...

pretty accurate.

[Dulcie grins at the camera before switching it off.]

Astrid, I need you to check for all reports of unexplained, mass disappearances within the last 24 hours. Not just livestock-- any sort of unexplained disappearance. Start with stations in Boston, then expand out toward Maine and Pennsylvania. I'm heading over to the farm right now.

Astrid? Astrid? Can you hear me--

[ The line suddenly cuts off. ]

( action )

[ooc: Both action or network responses are welcomed. ♥ I will try to stagger the action threads so that they make sense chronologically. ]

[ There's a long pause of just incredibly thoughtful breathing before Eames starts up. ]

I'm absolutely not going to tell you lot how to have sex. That's just silly. I think the majority of us are adults, in any case - and even if some of us have absolutely no experience, I'm sure everyone has the same general idea. It's hardly complicated. You'll know what to do when you get to that point.

If you don't, well - I'll spend my time feeling terribly sorry for the other partner.

In any case, just don't get married after. Even if she says she only pulls the special tricks for married men. After the big rock you have to use all of your resources to get her and the honeymoon period, the excitement wears off. She stops shaving her legs during winter. The stilettos get retired. Women are no longer obligated to impress their husbands by the time you two get back from Fiji and then what are you left with? Boredom and petty fighting. Honestly, there are other options out there - most of which involve far less paperwork.

And for God's sake, don't get anyone pregnant. Do you really want to introduce a baby to a City where a unicorn can run you down any moment and there are bars dedicated toward vampirism?

Right.

Carry on, then.

[ Blip! Off goes the feed. ]

[ The feed clicks on to reveal Tessa, face somewhere between stoic and utterly, utterly shocked, addressing someone off-screen. ]

I do not-- wish to talk about these things, ma'am.

[ A short hesitation. ] I am aware that I should know, indeed, but I would prefer to-- read a book. [ It sounds like even that concession cost her. ]

[From one amused sounding Eleanor.]

If this is a curse, it's quite informative. And distracting. [This child has not stopped reading about Hacking since her job offer. Is that bad?]

Just how much tmi can one city produce? I think we'll be finding out that answer today.

And before anyone calls me a prude, fuck off. I'm plenty good in the sack. I don't need any new info.

I'll keep this short so you can get on with your fun.

This option will make you happy.

This one will decidedly not.

Or for the relationship disinclined, there's always brothels.

[ ooc: Explanation. Hawke has no idea what she's talking about. ]

I can explain to you all how to have intercourse without getting babies out of it!

[Alois is sitting on the table and smiling angelically at the camera. He looks quite proud of being able to contribute to society with his wise knowledge.]

Basically it depends with whom you do it! My Father had a lot of intercourse with many children, but he never got babies out of it. [He giggles. If he were still in England, he wouldn't dream of revealing something like this about his Father. But he's stuck in this City for eternity, and there is no English aristocracy to impress. He feels weirdly happy about his newfound freedom.]

I think you only get children if you do it with girls, but who wants to do that anyway. [Alois sticks out his tongue, looking vaguely disgusted.] I was wearing a kimono when I did it. But you can do it even if you don't have one. You'll just look much prettier if you do. [These are the tricks of the trade from an ex sex slave.]

Also! If you have other questions I can answer them!

Before you stick anything up your own arse or anyone else's, make sure it has a wide base. You'll be making your surgeon's life a lot more pleasant.

Plus, unless you can top the 18 inch umbrella, I guarantee you're not going to impress us.

We're not going to believe you fell and landed on the vacuum attachment.

That carrot wasn't oiled because you were preparing to cook with it, unless you've an odd preference for seasoning.

Your anus contains gas. Inserting anything flammable or already on fire up it is liable to blow a hole in your anterior rectal wall. And they're a bitch to live with.

In fact, anything sharp is a bad idea. Anything with narrow, inflexible protrusions.

Barbie has narrow, inflexible protrusions.

You can try introducing the family pet to your backside, but no real cases of rodent insertion have ever made it into medical literature. You're more likely to get an unpleasant bite.

Wood can splinter.

Paint can chip.

Bottles and other objects with an opening are going to cause a vacuum and you're not going to enjoy that kind of sucking, believe me.

If you're set on sticking something up your arse, and I'm not objecting to however you want to pass the time, make sure it's a smooth object with a wide base. You could try a butt plug or someone else's penis. I hear they're reasonably well designed for purpose.

Bad ideas:

( not-ic cut and mildly NSFW )

Sooo... step one in finding romantic company in the saurian world is finding something of your species.

This can be harder than it sounds, but fortunately, a lot of 'em have species-specific traits or markings. Some are really only visible in the ultraviolet range, so if you can't see that color, pay more attention to crests and feet and hope for the best. Your males might look different from your females, but fortunately they tend to associate with each other. Observation generally pays off in the end.

Once you're reasonably sure you've found someone, and they're not horribly marred by tick infestations or fungi or something... Step two is getting them to like you. Get to hanging around them. Give them food. If they let you hang around without biting you too hard, good sign. If they eat the food, better sign. If they bring you food themselves, the situation is ideal.

Just a note, though, humans will give and receive food from things other than prospective mates and relatives, so adjust your expectations when they're around.

Being brightly colored helps. Being healthy helps. Apparently, acting like no normal member of your species helps, too; hanging around predators and so on, but be careful about that. No prospective mate is worth getting killed to impress.

[She's... not actually cursed, or she'd be admitting that this is almost everything she knows on the topic.]

Perhaps it was too vague, my mission to find these deities was not as I wished it to be. For days, I roamed these mountains looking for the grand towers you all told me to seek - yet, it was all in vain.

[He looks like he hasn't shaved in a while, but it's Thor, it only manages to make him look more rugged. But, while he looks a little uncomfortable before a puppy sticks its head out of his armor]

You would have my thanks if Wolf Heart and I would have place to rest for the night. Come morning, we shall take our leave in search of our own dwelling. It would appear that I will have to make residence here for longer than I had hoped.