010: TEXT

[intheblanks]

Before you stick anything up your own arse or anyone else's, make sure it has a wide base. You'll be making your surgeon's life a lot more pleasant.

Plus, unless you can top the 18 inch umbrella, I guarantee you're not going to impress us.

We're not going to believe you fell and landed on the vacuum attachment.

That carrot wasn't oiled because you were preparing to cook with it, unless you've an odd preference for seasoning.

Your anus contains gas. Inserting anything flammable or already on fire up it is liable to blow a hole in your anterior rectal wall. And they're a bitch to live with.

In fact, anything sharp is a bad idea. Anything with narrow, inflexible protrusions.

Barbie has narrow, inflexible protrusions.

You can try introducing the family pet to your backside, but no real cases of rodent insertion have ever made it into medical literature. You're more likely to get an unpleasant bite.

Wood can splinter.

Paint can chip.

Bottles and other objects with an opening are going to cause a vacuum and you're not going to enjoy that kind of sucking, believe me.

If you're set on sticking something up your arse, and I'm not objecting to however you want to pass the time, make sure it's a smooth object with a wide base. You could try a butt plug or someone else's penis. I hear they're reasonably well designed for purpose.

Bad ideas:

Comments

[ronderotarel]

Those... look terrible! [Okay this one guy managed to traumatize him.]

[intheblanks]

By all reports they don't end up feeling great, either.

[He'd have filtered this from young eyes if the curse had allowed him the option.]

[totallyinaband]

You're shitting me about the umbrella.

[intheblanks]

Nope. And he wasn't shitting for a good while after that, either.

[binarysky]

Umbrella?!

[intheblanks]

[Oh Christ.]

Not an open one.

[charring]

[This comment isn't here because after Chase's post, Charlie just stuck her device in the freezer for the day. She isn't going near it until tomorrow.]

[intheblanks]

[He's sorry, fragile minds.]

video;

[dignity_misery]

[You're her very favorite medical professional.]

Trying to tell us something, doctor?

video;

[intheblanks]

[He's just a natural helper.]

Yes, actually. How much of it do you need me to repeat?

[bedsidemanners]

.... I hope you don't get any repeat offenders.

[intheblanks]

We get enough. It tends to depend on the severity of the original offence.

[mintjulep]

Had any experiences with tentacles yet?

[intheblanks]

Not on a personal basis.

[boutant]

... People put things that are on fire up there?

[intheblanks]

Some TV show forgot to mention the 'don't try this at home'.

voice;

[duplicities]

The visual aides are a nice touch.

voice;

[intheblanks]

I didn't want to have to draw the diagrams.

[saidrepent]

[Well. He's learned something new today, hasn't he.]

I would hope they didn't try to open it, but if they were willing to stick an umbrella up there in the first place...

[intheblanks]

I've heard that three times and still no one's asked me if the gun was loaded.

[designedtoparty]

Well, there's one load you don't want letting off inside you.

[intheblanks]

Congratulations. Best I've heard so far.

[ voice ]

[likeboudica]

What are those images?

[ voice ]

[intheblanks]

They're called x-rays. Scans of people's insides.

[shall_yield_us]

That's... certainly... traumatic. Yes. Very.

Thank you.

[intheblanks]

Prevention is better than a cure.

[as_damaged]

Somehow I feel like this violates the spirit of confidentiality, if not the letter.

[intheblanks]

Think of it as publishing a study.

[orangetoughguy]

Damn man.

[Took notes.]

[intheblanks]

People are creative, I'll give them that.

[most_qualified]

Goodness...

[intheblanks]

Badness.

[synanthrope]

Were you present in the case with the gun?

[intheblanks]

I was operating.

audio;

[aperfectthird]

[There's a gasped "Merlin!" before a loud clacking sound, as though the device has been slammed onto a hard surface.

That's what Percy gets for checking the network on his lunch break.]

audio;

[intheblanks]

[Oddly enough, Chase has heard that variety of cursing before.]

Trip over your broomstick?