010: TEXT

[intheblanks]

Before you stick anything up your own arse or anyone else's, make sure it has a wide base. You'll be making your surgeon's life a lot more pleasant.

Plus, unless you can top the 18 inch umbrella, I guarantee you're not going to impress us.

We're not going to believe you fell and landed on the vacuum attachment.

That carrot wasn't oiled because you were preparing to cook with it, unless you've an odd preference for seasoning.

Your anus contains gas. Inserting anything flammable or already on fire up it is liable to blow a hole in your anterior rectal wall. And they're a bitch to live with.

In fact, anything sharp is a bad idea. Anything with narrow, inflexible protrusions.

Barbie has narrow, inflexible protrusions.

You can try introducing the family pet to your backside, but no real cases of rodent insertion have ever made it into medical literature. You're more likely to get an unpleasant bite.

Wood can splinter.

Paint can chip.

Bottles and other objects with an opening are going to cause a vacuum and you're not going to enjoy that kind of sucking, believe me.

If you're set on sticking something up your arse, and I'm not objecting to however you want to pass the time, make sure it's a smooth object with a wide base. You could try a butt plug or someone else's penis. I hear they're reasonably well designed for purpose.

Bad ideas:

Comments

[synanthrope]

I suppose there's one reason to hate guns.

Also why focus on what people insert up the anus?

[intheblanks]

Because I'm cursed, and it's preferable to focusing on myself.

And I don't do as many removals from other orifices, not being a midwife.

[synanthrope]

Do you have interesting sexual exploits to share, then?

[intheblanks]

No.

But nice try.

[synanthrope]

I could share mine, then.

[intheblanks]

Were you looking for someone to listen?

[synanthrope]

I think you know I prefer to act.

[intheblanks]

I know. I can only offer the ear.

[synanthrope]

Once I gave someone head in the front of a racecar.

[intheblanks]

Are there racecars women haven't given head in?

[synanthrope]

Of course.

But they're rarely Ferrari.

[intheblanks]

Were you in it for him or the car?

[synanthrope]

I remember much more about the car.

[intheblanks]

Fair enough.

[synanthrope]

There were racecars here, once.

[intheblanks]

There are barely cars here, now. What happened to them?

[synanthrope]

They must have gone home with their drivers.

[intheblanks]

Pity.

[synanthrope]

You like fast cars, right?

[intheblanks]

I thought you knew me.

[synanthrope]

Maybe you changed your mind from the last time you were here.

[Pause]

There's too much snow to take them out right now.

[intheblanks]

Yours?

[synanthrope]

Yes. The Porsche, for instance.

[intheblanks]

[What has changed is a better ability to play it cool.]

Wouldn't be worth it until we could give her a decent run.

[synanthrope]

That might not be until March.

Besides, I'm building a new suspended engine.