010: TEXT

[intheblanks]

Before you stick anything up your own arse or anyone else's, make sure it has a wide base. You'll be making your surgeon's life a lot more pleasant.

Plus, unless you can top the 18 inch umbrella, I guarantee you're not going to impress us.

We're not going to believe you fell and landed on the vacuum attachment.

That carrot wasn't oiled because you were preparing to cook with it, unless you've an odd preference for seasoning.

Your anus contains gas. Inserting anything flammable or already on fire up it is liable to blow a hole in your anterior rectal wall. And they're a bitch to live with.

In fact, anything sharp is a bad idea. Anything with narrow, inflexible protrusions.

Barbie has narrow, inflexible protrusions.

You can try introducing the family pet to your backside, but no real cases of rodent insertion have ever made it into medical literature. You're more likely to get an unpleasant bite.

Wood can splinter.

Paint can chip.

Bottles and other objects with an opening are going to cause a vacuum and you're not going to enjoy that kind of sucking, believe me.

If you're set on sticking something up your arse, and I'm not objecting to however you want to pass the time, make sure it's a smooth object with a wide base. You could try a butt plug or someone else's penis. I hear they're reasonably well designed for purpose.

Bad ideas:

Comments

[ronderotarel]

14. [He's lost count of how many times he got asked this since the curse started.]

[intheblanks]

Then people should be telling you to have no sex for a couple of years yet. Safest sex you can get.

[But.]

Safe sex means taking steps to prevent infection or unwanted pregnancy. The second safest option is something called a condom.

[ronderotarel]

But I don't have sex with girls! So I don't need a condom, right? Whatever that is.

[intheblanks]

Wrong. All kinds of intercourse carry the risk of infection.

[ronderotarel]

And what if your partner is not human? Can you get infections anyway?

[intheblanks]

...What's your partner?

[ronderotarel]

He's a... creature. [Take it for what it is, doctor.] Tell me, please! I don't want to get an infection!

[intheblanks]

Yes, you're at risk of infection. Yes, you should at the least wear a condom. What are you involved with?

[ronderotarel]

He is a demon. He's a creature from hell. He's from my world. But he looks like a boy my age. He also has a normal penis I think. I don't know. What's a condom?

[intheblanks]

Doctor Chase.

Stop by the hospital with that name and I'll get you set up with a pack and some instructions.

[ronderotarel]

I will! I promise. [He's kind of freaking out now.] Do you think it's bad? Because I also live with him so if he has infections I might have gotten them by breathing his same air.

[intheblanks]

I'd think the sex would be more likely. Everybody carries their own germs, you can't prevent yourself from being exposed to all of them.

Just come by for a check up.