poly_chromatic

There's a lot of love going around today and I'm all for that. The thing is? I can't tell you what to do to get someone to love you back. I know I'm always saying that I'm completely happy to help anyone who needs it, but I'm not exactly qualified to help out here. Seriously. I've never, ever been able to keep a boyfriend, and most of my relationships have been pretty disastrous. So if you're planning on swinging by the Welcome Center for help of the romantic variety, you might want to rethink your options.

What I can do is tell you what not to do, okay? Here you go:

First, don't ask Penny for relationship advice.

Second, don't stalk whoever it is you're into. I'm serious about this. Even if you're a really sweet person, whoever you're stalking is gonna think that you're creepy if they catch you.

Third, don't be a total jerk. That should probably go without saying, but I've met a lot of guys who could use the reminder. Don't talk about yourself all the time, listen, and keep the conversation appropriate. So, like... don't talk about your sex life in a super-public place. That's important.

Last, don't act like someone you're not because you think you'll be more impressive that way. If the person you like can't love you for who you are, then you're probably not the best match, right?

That's all I've got. Wait--no... one more thing. Don't throw yourself at some stranger just because he stopped a runaway van from mowing you down or whatever. No one makes good decisions right after a near-death experience. Get to know people a little before deciding that you're in love with them. It'll make life a whole lot easier, I promise.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Me too. It's not half as scary as real relationships.

[She's making progress! She can admit relationships are scary. ]

You've got that right. Sometimes I think about just giving up on real relationships completely, you know?

Can we be soulmates? 'Cause I'm so there with you.

[ except, she pauses a moment. ]

You get the jerkfaces and I am the jerkface.

[That last declaration chases away any possibility of a light response.]

Why do you say that? You're a total sweetheart.

[She smiles softly at Penny's compliment. ]

Thank you.

We so need to get you a date. [ rapid fire subject change anyone?]

[Penny won't push if she doesn't want to talk.]

That'd be nice. I mean, I've had a couple of kind-of-dates with this one guy, but he's seeing someone else, so... I don't know what's up there.

[ It's not that she doesn't want to talk, it's just that she feels like she's exhausted the topic. ]

Hmmm I have an idea. Do you know Jimmy?

Yeah, I know Jimmy. He's a good guy.

What's your idea?

I think you and he should go on a date. You can report back to me about how it goes. Maybe dinner and gambling or just dinner.

I'd even make it if you wanted and serve it to you.

A date? I don't--Jimmy's great, but he's... I like him, I mean, just not that way.

Are you sure? He's totally boyfriend material.

He totally is, but he's kind of young, isn't he?

Please. He's not that young and you're not that old. Besides, you could totally be a cougar if you wanted to be.

Holy shit. Two of my fave ladies, talkin' 'girl talk'...

Talking about the possibility of me being a cougar, yep.

[She's kind of embarrassed. That's okay.]

I didn't know you guys were close.

A 'cougar'? What the hell is that?

And she's my boss and my friend.

Well.

Lucy?

'Well' what?

Voice;

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Tell her it is totally okay to date a younger guy!

Penny? It's totally okay to date a young guy.

Thank you! I'm bringing cupcakes into work today.

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I'm not sure that I'm cougar material, but thanks. I'll definitely keep my options open.

Psssssh. You totally are, except I still think you're too young to cougar.

No one ever told me there was a cougar line. Thirty-one isn't old enough?

Definitely not. You have to be at least 40.

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Voice;

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Voice; Hi-jack! Neil has learned a new network trick and can't resist! Hope that's okay...

Voice; Perfectly fine!

Voice; thank you!

Voice; thank you!

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Voice;