( audio & action 16 )

[studmuffin]

Stop, stop --. [ There's a bird sitting on the hood of Stiles' jeep. The boy who owns it is currently trying to wave the thing off with his bag full of groceries. ] Please be quiet, c'mon, just quit it.

[ The birds wings ruffle but it doesn't take off, just opens it's beak to speak in a voice that is exactly Stiles, couldn't be anyone else's. ] His ass is amazing. That should be why they tell you not to go into the woods. But he has these teeth too and usually that means being eaten and not in a fun, sexy way.

No no no no. Stop talking, stop right this instant. [ Panicking. ] I was cursed, it doesn't count, it was totally a curse.

[ Of course, the only way this could be worse is if his device was broadcasting to the whole City ]

... I'm just going to go kill myself now.

Comments

[intheblanks]

[Hey, four years ago he'd actually have been bothered by this. Faking it is a development in cool, okay.]

If only I could make up for that with my amazing arse.

[studmuffin]

You're laughing now but I hope they make you do the autopsy.

[intheblanks]

Yeah, the overtime would be a bitch.

Your friend doesn't like slightly breathy, mills-and-boon compliments?

[studmuffin]

He doesn't like anything.

[ He especially doesn't like Stiles existing. ] And hey, it wasn't a Mills and Boon - I was freaking cursed. Slutty Red Riding Hood. I would've found anyone attractive.

[ That is a lie. ]

[intheblanks]

I'm sure he likes more than you'd think.

Leaving aside your taste in costume: explain that. Maybe I can skip the post mortem.

[studmuffin]

The Red Riding Hood bit? Or finding the one guy who hates my guts attractive? Because they're both pretty self-explanatory. Halloween and also I have zero self-preservation.

Lydia hated my guts and I crushed on her from the third grade, Derek wants to possibly dismember me and I now have a bird talking about his ass. So. You know. That's my life.

[intheblanks]

No, explain to him that you were cursed when you said it. Though I appreciate the romantic history.

...My wife only got involved with me because she figured I was the last person she'd ever fall in love with. He probably doesn't want to dismember you as much as you think.

[Hopelessly attracted to people who'll never return the affection the same way? Their lives have some commonalities.]

[studmuffin]

I tried, he thinks it's still my fault. It's like he's a high school girl who has to pretend they're not pretty because it makes them look cooler or something.

[ P a u s e. ] Harsh. But she must've anyway, right? If you got married.

[intheblanks]

[Oh god are Derek and Cameron related.]

She must have liked me more than she wanted me to know about, at least.

[Love - he's just not sure on, anymore.]

People who act like they're untouchable are usually afraid of what happens if something gets close. It's playing a defensive move in an offensive manner. If you don't like anything then you don't want anything, so you're never let down. No weak spots.

[studmuffin]

[ He lets all that sink in for a moment, then rather eloquently bangs his head off the steering wheel. ]

Maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome. That could be it.

[ Because he doesn't want to want Derek - he doesn't need that in his life and Derek's an insane werewolf with issues and Stiles just wants to go home. ] Could you like put a lazer in my brain?

[intheblanks]

To burn out inappropriate crushes? Sorry, I'd have been first in line at the trial.

[studmuffin]

Any experimental drugs that may or may not give me amnesia?

[intheblanks]

Any anaesthetic will do that temporarily. But chemical castration would be the safer way to go.

[studmuffin]

Isn't castration a junk thing?

[intheblanks]

The chemical version is a brain thing that makes you less interested in your junk.

[studmuffin]

[ ... ]

I want to not be interested in Derek not sex in general, why would anyone want that, oh my god.

[intheblanks]

It wasn't a serious recommendation. Unless Derek's a really early developer.

It's used to make repeated sex offenders a safer part of society.

[studmuffin]

He's older than me. [ Just throwing that out there. ]

And okay, ugh.

[intheblanks]

I know. [Hence the really early development necessary. Not many preteens have designer facial hair.] Quite a bit older, right?

We did have one patient request treatment. Because of cows.

[studmuffin]

Like -- four years I don't know.

[intheblanks]

Four? Really?

[He thought... up to twice that.]

[studmuffin]

No, actually eight.

[ Shh, let's pretend Stiles knows this shit. ]

[intheblanks]

So is it a hot for teacher kind of thing?

[studmuffin]

No.

[ Ff. ] It's just - it's new. It's Derek.

[intheblanks]

Is he even- [Well no, that question might be somewhat tactless.]

Must have been a big jump from Lydia.