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[mightbeconcussed]

[ Lucy's flat seems to have exploded. Things are stacked and piled seemingly at random. She's wearing a baseball cap backwards and she's got an old tee shirt on and cut off jeans. Her hair is in pigtails and there's a variety of cleaning products scattered about. She's right in the middle of a top to bottom cleaning and organization spree of her flat. She's sitting on the floor amongst a riot of books and knickknacks with a glass of something iced at hand. ]

Hi. So...this seems like an appropriate time to ask. I need opinions and sounding boards for likely highly illogical ramblings of the relationship kind.

Any and all applicants will be considered?

Comments

[candothat]

Can I help you make your life less messy?

[As if he isn't part of the problem! But it's simpler to say that than to voice the fact that he wants this relationship even if he isn't sure that they're after the same thing.]

[mightbeconcussed]

[ Lucy hesitates, eyes cast down. She takes a deep breath then releases it slowly. She bites her bottom lip, finally looking up at him. She nods slowly. ]

I think so. If I could get everything in my brain to get out of the way.

[candothat]

[He nods and sits, folding his hands on the table in front of him the same way the psychological evaluators at Starfleet do. Very seriously:]

Maybe you could tell me what in your brain is in the way?

[mightbeconcussed]

[ In contrast, Lucy twists the white table cloth on the table in her fingers. ]

Okay. [ She takes a deep breath. ] The City has this way of pulling happy people apart. I mean, sure you get happy for a little while, but then BOOM apart. And I know I left first and I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to and I don't even want to be home because Momma is losing it and she's sad about Daddy all the time and I'd rather be here even with all the crazy. Anyway, I can be passive and let things happen to me or I can be active and control the choices in my life. The problem is that whether I choose to not be with you or whether the City chooses it, we both end up hurt and I don't know which one is better. It all hurts in the end.

[candothat]

[Pavel listens closely, trying to gauge Lucy's feelings. If she honestly thinks that being apart would be less painful for her in the long run, he won't argue. As it is, she seems undecided.]

When hurting is inevitable, I think that it's best to do what will make you happy now. Choosing to do what makes you unhappy is a strange way to use what control you have over your life.

[mightbeconcussed]

[ All she knows is that there's going to be some pain. She'd rather there be no pain at all. ]

That's sort of what I've been thinking about. Everybody has been talking to me about it and...you are...sweet and kind and trustworthy. Totally hot in a really sexy nerdy sort of way, brilliant, which is also totally hot, funny and patient. You make me happy and I think you like me too. Basically, I'd be really, really stupid to let you go.

[ She takes a deep breath. ]

I'm scared, Pavel. I'm scared of making you my whole world and then losing you, but I'm also scared of how lonely my life will be without you. I mean, we've been broken up for a couple of weeks and...I bought another dog and a fall wardrobe and more boots and none of it makes me as happy as it does with you.

[ She bites her bottom lip, focusing on the table top ] And that terrifies me. I'm a giant coward when it comes to relationships. I don't know how to fix that.

[candothat]

[As flattering as this is, Pavel's alarmed by the degree to which Lucy is attached to him. He adores her--he would be crazy not to--but the idea of making one person so central to one's life scares him. Pavel has become accustomed to leaving people and places behind; as much as he might love someone, he knows better than to wrap his whole world up inside them.

Shortly after Captain Kirk's arrival in the City, he advised Chekov against getting too attached to this existence. Attachment will make it difficult to leave the City if the opportunity presents itself, and everything in the City is transitory. No matter how long they're here, they can't allow themselves to become too comfortable.

Maybe it would be kinder to Lucy to have this end. Or is the damage already done?]

Lucy... [He'd like to grab her hands. That doesn't seem appropriate right now, so he settles for nudging one of her feet with his under the table.] ...Please don't make me--or anyone--that important to you? You are the only person you will have for your entire life, and you need to be the most important to yourself. I think that is the only way to be less afraid. Does that make sense?

[mightbeconcussed]

[ While Lucy has had it happen to her, she hasn't gotten used to losing the people she cares about. She looks up at him, nibbling on the corner of her bottom lip as she watches him. ]

You sound like my Mom. In a good way. I mean...it's something that she would say. 'Learn to love yourself, Lucy'.

[ She shrugs a little. ]

That's fine and that's good and I think I'm okay. I mean...if that's an issue.

[candothat]

Your mother must be wise.

[He'd like to make a joke about how unfortunate it is that he reminds her of her mother and how odd that would make sex. This isn't the time at all. This is serious.]

It's only an issue if you want to make me your entire world. I am not prepared for that responsibility.

[mightbeconcussed]

Yeah. [ Lucy nods, smiling slightly. ] She is.

[ Her brow furrows and she looks up at Chekov. ]

What do you want, Pavel?

[ Because maybe he's looking at this more casually than she thought and if that's the case, then maybe she can still pull away from him and it won't be a big deal. ]

[candothat]

I want to be with you.

[That question was simple enough. Too simple. Maybe she means something else.]

In what capacity, I don't know.

[mightbeconcussed]

[ Well, yes and no. It's good to know that he still wants to be with her.]

That's a start.

[ She presses her lips together.]

Do you want to be with just me, or more of a undefined, loose, uncommitted kind of thing?

[candothat]

Just you.

[The answer's instantaneous, but he stops to consider the rest of her question.]

But what do you mean, uncommitted?

[mightbeconcussed]

[ Lucy considers that a moment. ]

I...don't know exactly. I guess...totally uncommitted would be...you know, just we date who ever we want. We just also happen to date each other sometimes.

Committed sort of implies just you and me, I think. There's lots of versions of committed past that.

[candothat]

I only want to date you.

[Cautiously, because talking about degrees of commitment might frighten Lucy off and this was going so well:]

What do you want?

[mightbeconcussed]

[ It does scare her, but she's also psyched herself up for this. She knows that this is a discussion that has to happen if they're going to get back together. It's a use it or lose it sort of situation and the last few weeks have proven to Lucy that she doesn't want to lose Chekov. She takes a deep breath, twisting the table cloth in her fingers again. ]

I want things to go back to the way they were before either of us left. I just don't know if they can.

[candothat]

[She's willing to talk about this. That's something.

Pavel reaches across the table to put a hand on hers.]

Why would we not be able to go back to that?

[mightbeconcussed]

[ She's making progress. It's just slow progress.

She looks down at their hands, lips pursed and shrugs a little as she turns her hand up to tap her fingertips very lightly against his palm. ]

Because I was a bitch.

[candothat]

[Pavel follows her gaze to their hands and thinks back to the first conversation they had after they both returned to the City. He doesn't look up.]

You were upset. Those things are not the same.

[mightbeconcussed]

It was a horrible and selfish, which I am sometimes.

[candothat]

No one is perfect. [He shoots her a small smile.] And you have never been horrible.

[mightbeconcussed]

[ tiny smile in response. ] Shoot and here I thought I'd found a goal. [ tiny smile disappears. ] Do you ever worry? About how much it's going to hurt if I leave for good?

[candothat]

[His own smile doesn't last very long.]

I do, yes, but it's inevitable that one of us will leave and not return, and it will hurt. I think that accepting the possibility of hurting in the future is necessary to being happy now.

[mightbeconcussed]

I think you're right. [ Lucy responds, looking up at him from beneath her lashes. ]

How do you do that though? Just...set yourself up for being hurt? I mean...it's ridiculous. I know. It hurts being broken up with you and it hurt when you were gone, so...love is pain and I'm just trying to figure out how you embrace that without running away screaming.

[ She takes a deep breath through her nose. ] It's not like having the person you care about with you doesn't hurt too. I know that. It just seems less important if you're hurting with someone.

[candothat]

[He shrugs, unable to find just the right words for what he wants to say.]

There is nothing important that doesn't hurt in some way. I would rather hurt more because I love you than less because I was too afraid.

Aren't we hurting together right now?