poly_chromatic | [Accidental Video] Backdate of Doom

[... If she was upset enough to need his former incarnation - who everyone, the incarnation himself included, regards as somewhat prickly - to be comforting, he's not sure about leaving her until then, but at the same time he's pretty sure he's capable of taking care of her. After all, he is. And he trusts her.]

Okay. I don't have much I can do today, so I'll be home in a bit.

[When he does get home, it's not revealingly earlier than normal, particularly since lol what normal work schedule, but it is probably a couple of hours before he would have done normally.]

[By the time he gets home, she's gotten control of herself. She still feels like her whole body is aching. It's difficult to breathe and everything hurts, emotionally as well as physically. Her eyes are probably red and her face a bit puffy but she's definitely not crying. At least not at the moment, that may change when she hugs him.

And she is going to hug him. The minute he comes through the door she tackles him in a particularly desperate sort of hug, both for the memory that was particular to him and the memory that he shares with the other Doctor, the one that got hugged and sobbed upon so thoroughly earlier.]

[He gets the door shut and drops what little he had in his hands but doesn't really get much bracing done or a whole lot of time to take in her appearance before she's here and on him and hugging him and he's sort of either up against the door or he's on the floor and he can't tell because she's hugging him so hard it's like she's trying to get inside him - which sounds creepy but really isn't; not in his eyes anyway - and he'll hug her back just as hard barring when he thinks he might bruise her because something happened today and he doesn't know what but feels like he's about to here shortly and maybe this hug they're having is her letting everything out and a release, and for him it's supposed to be fortifying for whatever it is that's about to come.

But for now he's just smoothing her hair down, arms wrapped tightly around her, and quietly asking:] Rose? Are you okay? What happened?

[He's not far off on what the hug is. It's too much to feel and deal with, even now. Not to mention, hugging him this tightly, being close to him, is comforting. It makes her feel useful, like she's so physically there with him that may be won't be able to feel lonely and she won't need to.

Also, she didn't really mean to knock him literally down. She just needed to hug him. Of course now that she has knocked him down, she's going to make the most of the hug. After several moments, she nods at his question. True to her own prediction, she's started crying again but it's not the hard sobs that the other Doctor had to deal with. It's just tears, trickling down her cheeks.]

I saw--[She stops because that's not right. She did see it but seeing it is hardly the important part.] I felt the Time War...after the time war and Adele Brooke. They...you were so lonely and you...[She stops, taking a breath and trying to sort things into something that's more concise and reflective of what she means.] You do so bad without me.

[He just keeps holding on to her, one hand wrapped around her middle back, the other more around her shoulders, either one moving to rub up and down soothingly or whathaveyou, and he's just using all his knowledge about hugs and Roses and what little he knows about being calm to see if he can help.

When she starts explaining, it's halting, and he slows his movements a little enough to listen. And then sort of freezes altogether. He's glad he's holding her to him like this because it gives him the freedom to close his eyes for a little while and measure his breathing because no one should see that - he shouldn't see that, over and over again, even though he did it and he was there and a lot of it was his fault - and certainly not Rose. Not her.

But he blinks several times - nothing came to the front, it's just blinking out of habit - and opens his eyes and lets her go a little bit and knows he really can't lie about it. Not against incontrovertible evidence like that. His voice matches the space between them: quiet, and small; as well as the sudden shift in his mood, from worried to not really resigned but not really vulnerable either. I can't think of the word atm. But it's cracklier than normal.]

Yeah.

[The moment he goes still, she regrets telling him. Logically, she knows there's no way she could have gotten out of it. Not after the text messages she'd sent or the way she tackled him in a hug. She also knows that it's important for him to know that she knows. She hates the way that telling him brings it all to forefront for him.

She buries her face into the curve of his neck, trying to channel 'it's okay' vibes and feelings of love to him. She might not agree with what he did and he needs to know that but it's also fairly clear that he's ashamed for her to see that part of his life, both the Time War and the incident with Adele. She doesn't want to make him feel worse. That's not what she's here for.

She lets one hand creep up to run her fingers through his hair as she takes a deep breath, trying to decide what needs to be said. When she speaks, the tone and volume of her voice echoes his. It's a bit choked and a bit rough but it's also very certain.]

You can't do that again. I'm not talking about trying to save Adele. It was more...

[More what? That dark place that he was in bothered her more than the way he unilaterally made decisions for people.]

People have to be able to make their own choices, even if you don't agree with them. That's not your place, even if you do think you know better.

[It's what has always bothered her about him: the way he makes decisions for people without bothering to ask for their input. Did she agree with saving Adele? Absolutely. She always likes it when he gets to save people, but in that case, Adele deserved to have some input and ultimately she had. Rose figures with a couple of centuries, eventually she'll teach him that he can't or shouldn't do that.]

[And that's actually one of the reasons he doesn't tell her anything about any of that time period, because she forgives it and even tries to make him feel better and even now at this point he really doesn't feel like that's something he deserves. At the same time, it's not like he can really outright tell her to stop doing it, because that would just hurt her feelings or make her angry or something like that - or it seems like it would - and that's also not what he means to do. It's easier to just leave her oblivious.

And this is a point that's been made before. He understands the genesis of it - and actually on a normal day he completely agrees: you have to give people a choice. He's all about giving people a choice, he's practically a champion of free-will, so in all honesty he's not totally sure why he keeps taking them from people, except where he can reason it out. After a certain point you see patterns, and you see inevitability, and when you're exceptionally clever and can literally see the inevitable and watch causality flow forward, watching people hem and haw around it, watching them stumble and fumble their way directly into mistakes you saw coming - or even not mistakes per se but decisions that would have repercussions they were possibly literally not capable of knowing or foreseeing - becomes too difficult. It's a weakening of will-power, not a need for control. As though there's a difference.

But he doesn't really know how to say all of that. The incident with Adelaide Brooke was a particularly stark wake-up call he'd been heading toward for a while, though he doubts the lesson is over from the way he's mildly bristling even now.]

How do you watch people make mistakes and not stop them?

[She refuses to allow him to live with the idea that what he's done is unforgivable. She knows where he goes with that and she doesn't like it. She thinks that he needs to know that there's at least one person in the universe who believes in him and accepts him even when she knows he's done wrong.

It makes sense when he puts it that way and it's never that she really thought he was a control freak. It was more that she think he believes he knows better and in some ways, she can understand why he thinks that.

She thinks about his question a moment, only having human experiences to draw from.]

Because we learn from 'em. It...it's somethin' we can control and it's some sorta consolation. Mum kept tellin' me when I dropped out of school that it was a mistake, I'd regret it. That just made me more determined. Don't know if it was a mistake or not, but it was mine to make.

[She takes a deep breath, thinking about it a moment]

And sometime mistakes lead to amazin' things.

[Really a lot of the time he does think he knows better, and doesn't see any reason why he's got to believe he shouldn't. There's a decent amount of ingrained superiority happening, and while he is better at it and less... well, racist than most of the rest of his culture, it's still difficult when you really are, in various ways, a naturally more advanced specimen.

Human experience is good. Human experience is what he's asking for, considering the forty-five to one ratio of non-human experience he's got over her isn't answering his question at all anyway. Her answer isn't really what he's looking for though, and he sort of makes a face. It's not that it's the wrong answer, really, just that it's not the one he was looking for, and is therefore unsatisfying. But then if you asked him he probably couldn't tell you directly what he was looking for.]

Sometimes it doesn't though. Sometimes it can't. What do you do then?

[She wouldn't argue that he knows better in a Time Lord sort of way. He's missing the whole human experience side of things. And honestly, she doesn't know that she wouldn't try to fix the mistakes either if she had his power. After all, she did a good deal of prodding and mucking about and the like when she had the Time Vortex in her head.

If she knew what sort of answer he wanted, she might be able to come up with something more satisfying. She still wouldn't tell him what he wants to hear though, not if it weren't the truth.]

You let them know that you care, regardless of how they're muckin' things up, inform 'em of all their options and tell 'em that you don't agree, but it's their life, not yours. No one likes havin' control taken 'way from 'em, Doctor. Not 'bout things like that.

[She pulls back the slightest bit to look at him.]

Bet you didn't appreciate havin' the option to leave this place taken 'way, even if there are things here that aren't so bad.

[That is an admission that is hard for her to make. She knows he doesn't want to be here, even if she's here and Jenny's here and Donna's here. She knows this isn't the perfect life he'd envisioned for himself and in some ways that hurts because it may not be the life she envisioned they'd have but it's as close to perfect as she thinks anyone deserves to get.]

[It's more that he knows the right answer is just not one that he wants, because he doesn't like what the right answer is. The right answer means he has to leave people alone and let them make their own decisions and watch them fall and get hurt and that hurts and he doesn't want to do it; he's tired of doing that, so he was looking for a softer version of it, or even another version entirely, but it looks like Rose is going to be good and everything he loves about Rose and not allow him to have the answer he wants.]

Yeah. People get angry with you though, later, when they know you knew and didn't do anything, even if they were angry with you for trying to stop them in the moment. [Which is very very quiet and more a thought than it was something he's actually saying to her, as evidenced by the fact that it for one, doesn't really respond to what she said, and two, how he continues directly afterward in a slightly louder tone.] No. But I'm not sure I'd leave just yet, given the option.

[She can't imagine being in that situation and part of her would love to make things softer and easier for him but she can't, not with this. If things are softer and easier then he doesn't get the message and it happens again. No one can afford for him to be in that mindset.

Instead of giving him the softer, easier answer, she presses a kiss to his jaw and then his cheek.]

M'sorry. [She rests her forehead against the side of his head. It's a whispered expression of regret that he has to go through that. She knows she can't fix that. No one can and he'll have to go through it again at some point. It explains a lot though, like how he doesn't stay in one place for long and how he rarely goes back to see the same people. She takes a deep breath when he gets the bit that she's meant to hear and respond to.] Me either. If it makes a difference.

[And he does appreciate her giving him the answer that he does honestly need to be given as gently as it can possibly be while retaining the whole point of it to begin with, because it is something he knows already and doesn't need to be beaten over the head with just yet - only when it's been a while and he seems to have forgotten it again, but that only just happened recently and so he doubts it'll be again anytime in the not-so-near future.

He closes his eyes again, exhaling a little when she kisses him and then looking at her when she apologises for something she has no control over and how it effects something he has no control over which effects him. It gets her a thin smile, tired, but there nonetheless, and appreciative.] It does. [Him leaving people, people leaving him; to him, the two are nearly interchangeable. When she asks the question, his hold on her tightens for just a moment, slackening to how it had been just before fairly quickly, but his words had come out quickly and in tone with the rest of the conversation thus far.]

[She's not big on beating him over the head with things, at least not the first time. She tries the gentle sort of way and if he doesn't listen then she goes the other route. With this regeneration, she's never really had to go the other route. He responds to gentle sort of pointing out fairly well. Although there was a period where she felt like taking something and literally beating him over the head with it if he didn't stop trying to leave her for her own good. Anyway, yes, good with the gentle reminding.

She can't help it. It's not so much an 'I'm sorry I broke your favorite coffee mug' sort of an apology. It's more one of those 'I'm sorry you have to go through this and I would give anything if I could keep you from having to go through it' sorts of apologies. She recognises the smile for what it is and gently runs her fingers through his hair. ]

Works out well then. You not takin' that option and me not takin' that option, 'least not unless they let us leave together.

[And that spawns another thought that's not in any way related to the memories she saw of his, but it is still a bit about comforting him and her. She figures talking to him helps; it reassures him that she knows how dark he goes and she loves him anyway.] If they offered, told us they'd drop us off one place and let us alone together, where would you have 'em put us?

[There are probably other issues that will come up that she'll want to literally beat him over the head with things for that he will later apologise for but will in the moment be annoyed about and wonder why she's hitting him over the head.

He knows it's one of those sorts of apologies and he appreciates it, leaning into her hand a little bit as it moves through his hair.]

Yeah; does.

[He's... Not sure about that and has to think about it a little bit. He doesn't really know. Assuming right off the bat that the universe would be nice and not have him complete the regeneration process immediately upon return to the natural universe, what would he do? He'd eventually run into the version of himself that did regenerate and move on in that one - the Eleventh one currently here - and that's a big bag of 'shouldn't happen'. Can't go to Pete's world, where he's put her and another alternate version of himself - wow, they're starting to pile up - or... would he become the Eleventh version eventually? Alter the series of events and create a new time line? Would that even be safe? Would it be better to stay away from Earth entirely, even though it's the best chance of... anything, really. Familiarity, whathaveyou. Her family.

He thinks about it long enough to realise he has absolutely no idea, and then defers the question back to her to stall for time.] Where would you want to go?

[True. At least she's not likely to hit him too hard. She tends to worry about him when he's unconscious.

That sort of leaning in just encourages her and she settles against him, figuring lying in the floor like this is just as good as anything else. She continues running her fingers through his hair, settling into a bit of a rhythm. She has to think about his question a moment. Earth is the obvious place but with the obvious place there are problems like the ones he's already thought of. And really, the bit with Pete's world worked out all right but she's resigned herself to saying goodbye to them and she's not sure she's up to adjusting to or helping a new version of Jackie, Pete and possibly Mickey figure out what's going on. Really, it's a quandary. ]

Hmmm somewhere brilliant with good fish and chips, lots to do. Maybe New New York? Great trip, despite the whole...possession and plague bits.

[That's nice of her.

He considers that too, quietly weighing things and allowing himself to tentatively follow timelines out for very short distances into probabilities and futures before reining them back in and looking to something else. New New York isn't a bad choice, on the whole, they'll just have to skip ahead a little further and be sure to miss that whole traffic jam, Bliss thing. Logistically he knows there's precious few places you can go in time and space where there isn't a problem of some kind looming around the corner - and in all honesty most of those are boring anyway - but really that was one of the worse ones.]

That's not bad. Could probably handle that. One big city to another.

[She's exceptionally kind that way.

She's really aiming for something not too boring, something still a bit familiar, big enough to entertain them both and something with perhaps a chance to get out of there and into space or something of the sort. Rose isn't difficult to make happy. As long as she's got the Doctor, she's good. The Doctor, however, she believes is a bit more high maintenance.

Avoiding the traffic jam would be much, much better. She doesn't think either one of them would do well trapped in a vehicle.]

Sorta what I figured. Plenty to do and see. Might manage to get some travel in as well.

[He would likely balk at the idea of being called 'high-maintenance', but honestly, he really really is. All of those qualifiers in the second sentence are dead-on, and he'd probably tick off a few more easily without stopping.

She might actually want to deal him some physical damage trapped in a car with him for years on end.]

Ohhh, travel. I like a good bit of travel.

[She wouldn't dare say it out loud because, yes, she suspects he'd object.

She really, really probably would. It's not that she doesn't like being with him for years. It's more of the trapped part and how he doesn't do well in small spaces and really, she'd get bored and provoke him into wanting to do harm to her as well. It's a wonder the people in the traffic jam didn't just murder each other.

His comment gets a smile, even a bit of a chuckle.]

Don't ever let anyone say I don't know my Doctor.

[If she sounds like she's incredibly pleased and superior over this, it's because she is.]

[Oh, 'Poke the Time Lord' would be a game that ended faster than she thought it up in the first place, he would guarantee that.

He likes the way her chuckles feel when she's lying like this on him.]

Can't imagine why they'd want to. Let you do all the work. Just start listing all your titles at them and they'll run off and never question your authority on the subject again.

[He doesn't mind. It's a good sound for her to have on occasion, and he's a little warm and tingly over the fact that he is what she's having it about.]

[Exactly! Which would result in her flopping back down into the passenger seat, twirling her hair for 30 seconds before she announced she was bored and asked him to talk to her. At least he's got a very long lifetime of stories to share if he's willing to do so. She'd share as well but she's only got 21 years worth of them and the most interesting ones were with him.

Oh good. She always likes that sort of thing when she's lying on top of him with her cheek against his chest.]

Hmmm there you go. My doors will come in handy. I can just swing it open, point to the titles. They'll leave all things 'the Doctor' to me.

[Oh Doctor, ninety percent of the time when she gets that cocky, pleased with herself tone to voice, it's about you. Even when she's borrowing his ego and talking about how fantastic she is, it's because of him. She was never exactly insecure but she never used that tone before he came because she was never that confident about herself. So, yes, it's always him]

[Well he likes talking more than he verbs sulking, and the latter is more likely to bore him in the process as well, so it's far more probable that any elongated period of silence wouldn't really happen.]

You sound like some sort of mastermind that way. 'Behind door number three...' Or a game show host, maybe, but I don't think you've got the wardrobe.

[He can't leave things alone and I don't know why. I blame circular Gallifreyan text and it being circular for why he constantly circles back to dropped subjects.]

I'm sorry. [Which sort of sounds like an apology about the wardrobe comment but there was enough of a tonal shift for it to be obvious that it means 'I'm sorry you had to see/feel/whatever it was all of that' and not 'I'm sorry you don't look like Pat Sajak.']

[That's a very good thing. They both get fairly bored with silence. They'd likely come up with ways to stay entertained but that wouldn't guarantee they wouldn't want to do each other harm. She grins and winks at him.]

Just findin' out my true identity, Doctor? The Mastermind, not the game show host.

[She likes that he can't leave things alone. It gives them a chance to talk about the important things but it also gives them a respite to bolster themselves in order to talk about it. She kind of figures that's what the previous unrelated conversation was about. She nods a little, sobering along with him.] You've got nothin' to apolgise for, Doctor. You're not alone with that anymore either.

[And in some ways, she's grateful she got the memories because at least now, he does have someone to share a tiny bit of the burden with. She may not know what happened, but she knows what it felt like on his end. It also helps her understand him even better and maybe she can make certain he doesn't plunge into that sort of darkness again.]

It doesn't change anythin'. [And she's going to put a hand against his cheek and think a very concentrated burst of love and awe toward him.]

Edited 2012-03-01 23:19 (UTC)

I think Mastermind is a game show. Several of them, in fact. Depends on where you are as to how much of a mind master you actually have to be to master the Mastermind - mind you, the mastering's the showy bit lots of the time.

[Mostly his reaction is that non-laugh thing he likes, that's sort of an exhale and sort of tensing your stomach muscles or pulling them or your sternum in so you actually start to go as concave as you feel like you are. Literal hollowing? He's not totally sure that corrupting a very young human is the best way to go about either strengthening their relationship or making himself healthier.

That is cheating though. And he says so.] Cheating. Not fair.

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the first version of this was better i'm sorry

Shhh this one is lovely

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