034 x 430 // text // plan your own...

[dignity_misery]

[She trashed the apartment this morning. The anxiety mounted above and beyond what could she could handle, that knot of glass and tar inside of her chest unbearable, the crying inside of her head pulsating too heavily. It's been building there, behind her eyes and deep in her stomach and lungs, for weeks now. She's been counting down to this day, or maybe it's been creeping up to her. Climbing over her, choking her.

The wreckage is inevitable, furniture overturned and porcelain shards scattered across the floor. Her dog is clawing at the bathroom door now, and for some reason that she doesn't understand, she has this to share with the network,]

CAROLENA MARÍANNA MORIR
09/08/1986 — 03/26/2011
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR .

[[ooc; This post is a catchall for Carla's suicide. This is a blanket trigger warning for the entirety of this post and any comments that may follow. She will answer any network comments, but it will be timelined to before her final episode. Action from folks involved in this fiasco are welcome, as well as any initial visitors on Sunday (it takes 24 hours for the dead to wake up.)

By the way, it's her birthday. She's 30 today.]]

Comments

[itsjustafruit]

But he didn't have anything to do with your reanimation? [He finishes his asparagus and picks up another spear, holding it out to her.] I think if I were revenge-minded I would have wanted to see you suffer even after you died, but hey, I'm a demon.

[dignity_misery]

Isaac was never that clever. That's why I wanted him out of the way, he'd outlived his usefulness.

[Her bites are slow and delicate, chewing slowly.]

Barbet was there, when he shot me. It was him. He always said I was too perfect to be beautiful, I don't know why he did it.

[Her hand jerks again, then falls back to the sheets, fingers twisting into the fabric tightly, bones and tendons in her wrists stark.]

[itsjustafruit]

Spoken like a man who has never seen true perfection. [He feeds her the rest of the asparagus and wipes his fingers on a linen napkin that must have been on the tray all along.]

So he what? Reanimated you and starved you until you were beautiful? [Back to the filet for a bite for himself before holding up another piece on the fork for her.]

Tch. Humans. He never gave us your level of imagination.

[dignity_misery]

No. [Her voice has gotten small, tremulous.] I was never enough for him.

[It isn't true. She was his best, his most prized. She was everything to him. What Carla cannot wrap her mind around is that he was not enough for her.]

I thought... When I made the wish, I thought it would be enough.

[She considers Crowley over the fork briefly.]

Is that what we are? Imaginative?

[itsjustafruit]

Yes, He gave you free will and imagination. Your lot have managed things that Hell could never come up with on their own. Half the geography Down Below is straight out of Dante now and there are demons who consider my report on the Spanish Inquisition to be a DIY manual.

[He wiggles the fork at her enticingly.] Eat it or I will, then tell me what you wished for.

[dignity_misery]

[The DIY manual makes her laugh, she sounds a little giddy with it, leaning in quickly to snatch the piece off that fork. Her moods are, clearly, rather unstable.]

The Ladybird brought me back to life. She... gave me a pulse and a heartbeat, anyway.

[But, as she'd said, her blood remained infected.]

[itsjustafruit]

[Too bad he's not joking.]

I was with you right up to the Ladybird. Is she like your Blue Fairy? Making you almost a real girl?

[Have another bite, almost-real-girl.]

[dignity_misery]

[She'd have laughed either way, and she's nodding now as she chews.]

A ladybug. She landed in the window, and offered me a wish.

[She takes the next piece a bit more roughly.]

I didn't have anything to trade.

[itsjustafruit]

And nothing comes for free, hm? [Another bite for himself and another offered up to Carla.]

What price did your ladybug exact?

[He's rather enjoying himself, listening to her story, rejuvenating a little in her disequilibrium after a full day of unrelenting angelic companionship.]

[dignity_misery]

What meager dignity I had left.

[She's doing that half-hysterical laughing thing again. It's not funny. It's just... so pathetic, she can't help herself.]

So long as there was suffering.

[And there's been plenty of that.]

[itsjustafruit]

That might be the most sadistic ladybird I've ever heard of. [He's pretty sure Baalzebub stuck with flies, but maybe some suck-up demon hadn't heard the word that ladybugs are considered cute by humans.]

So here you are keeping the bargain even if your ladybird's in an entirely different dimension? I'd say that's all you at this point.

Cake?

[dignity_misery]

She was a fucking bitch. [She's beaming.] Sometimes, I was afraid if I didn't... didn't keep my half, that she'd take it back. I don't know which is worse anymore. It's always the same, I'm trapped in a corpse with nowhere to go.

[She's twisting her hands in her restraints restlessly.]

I'd eat cake.

[itsjustafruit]

[They can come back to the filet. He takes the lid off the former fruit cocktail to reveal a slice of a dome-shaped white cake with both custard and a thin strip of raspberry in its center. It's the distinctive green-tinted marzipan that identifies it as princess cake. If, to his mind, it also makes him think of a slightly rotted corpse, he's just a little demon-minded.]

Now you know that she can't really take it back, since you took it back yourself, right?

[He takes a piece of cake on his fork and eats it before offering her a bite.] Free will, she'll get you coming and going.

[dignity_misery]

Is that what that means?

[She doesn't even really dare to be hopeful about it, honestly. Though she does stare at the cake curiously, taking a meager sniff before it goes into her mouth. She has no objections to a cake that looks like a slightly rotted corpse.]

[itsjustafruit]

[Good for her, since it is delicious cake for all that faint resemblance.]

Don't count on me for reassurance. It's my job to lead people astray; maybe I'm lying about being on vacation, but if I'm not lying, I should expect that a quasi-successful suicide in the City is going to render null and void your ladybird self-abasement contract.

Have some of the marzipan. [He offers her another piece with green marzipan.]

[dignity_misery]

I don't need to be led.

[But that's a very quiet note, said lightly before she takes the next piece into her mouth.]

If I'd eaten this last time, I'd have been vomiting for hours.

[itsjustafruit]

Old habits...

[He cuts himself a piece and looks up.]

Why?

[dignity_misery]

[She's strayed just fine all on her own.]

It's how the Reanimate system reacts to anything that isn't raw meat.

[itsjustafruit]

[What a waste of perfectly good cake.]

So you're neither fish nor fowl these days. How is that working for you?

[It must have been a while, considering what he saw when they had lunch together.]

[dignity_misery]

[Her head falls back with a cackle.]

I barely sleep, I never dream. I'm always hungry, I'm always cold.

[itsjustafruit]

It's like you're getting an all access tour of the old homestead without finishing your death yet. Well done, you.

[Have another bite of cake.]

[dignity_misery]

You prick.

[But she's still laughing and she takes her cake without a fuss.]

[itsjustafruit]

Did you want me to cry and lament the waste of a beautiful life?

[He has a last bite of cake and sets the fork down.]

Perhaps I should gaze at you soulfully and tell you how I'm here for you when you need me and you don't have to hurt yourself when you have such good friends.

[dignity_misery]

I bet you couldn't. Not with a straight face.

[itsjustafruit]

[And in that she would just be wrong. He composes his expression into a facade of sorrow and worry.]

Carla, it hurts me to see you here, I can't understand how you could do this to yourself. Haven't you thought of all the people who care about you?

[Then the facade breaks and he snorts.] Ask for something hard next time.