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mad men - michael ginsberg

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So...

[He can't quite seem to decide whether to use a happy or sad tone, whether to make a somber or pleased expression, so he's alternating between the two, sitting on the floor of his apartment cross-legged, looking earnestly at the device as it records.]

I guess that's it. I mean, I guess we're all going home. Definitely. And I want to go home, I need to go home, but I can't help but...

[A frown, a vague gesture that could really mean anything.]

You know how sometimes when you get something you want it turns out that you didn't want it as much as you thought you did? I don't know if that's a good example here. I still want to go home. I just know that there're a lot of people that don't. And a lot of people that I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye to. And I was tempted to just not say goodbye because that's easier, but it's also a lot shittier of me.

So...

[There's that drawn out so again, and now his face seems to have decided that sad is a good expression to stick with.]

If you want to... you know, say our last goodbyes, or whatever other depressing way I can phrase it, let me know. Only I can't promise I won't cry.

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[She likes hugs, giving and receiving. They're especially welcome when something is coming to an end and the future is scary and uncertain and it probably won't include a lot of people that it really should include. As such, she stays attached.]

It's good to see you, too. How're you holding up? Crushing anxiety and sadness aside, I mean.

I've been okay.

[Except that it's obvious in his face that he hasn't been, not at all, and he's a shitty liar, when it comes to lying about emotional states.]

No, actually, I haven't been okay. I've been a fucking mess. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm a disaster. Not that that's anything new. How're you holding up? And I brought you something, I don't know if you want it now or later, I don't know if it's completely stupid, I don't know a whole lot of anything except that I have no idea how to do this.

Hey, one thing at a time, okay? I'm sure it's not stupid, whatever it is, and I have no idea what you don't know how to do, but... don't worry. I mean, not about what I'll think.

I just, um...

[Time to just blurt it out.]

Like I was saying, I really don't want you to die, and I just wanted to ask you if... wanted to let you know that if... I mean, if you want to come home with me, you're more than welcome to. I know it wouldn't be the same and you'd probably find a lot of things to dislike about it but you'd be alive and I'd be happy to have you there. That's all.

Ginsberg...

[She really wants to say yes. It'd probably be a happier existence than the one she thinks she needs to choose, but...]

I'd like to, but I can't. [Penny pauses to give him a quick, apologetic kiss.] You have your life there, and I have this... I have somewhere else I think I need to go, but I'll be alive there, and I talked to the Dog god and he said we get to keep our memories, so at least I can say that I won't forget you without lying?

[She'll just... try not to cry on his jacket. Okay.]

Yeah, okay. I just thought... I mean, I thought I'd offer. As long as you're alive and as long as I don't have to forget you, it's... I get it. And if you change your mind, which I'm really hoping you will, because in the end, I'm incredibly selfish, you just let me know, okay? Not that I expect you to change your mind. I get it. You have places you need to be.

[She may be trying not to cry on his jacket, but he's not trying to stop the tears from flowing freely down his face. He barely even notices that his cheeks are wet, as a matter of fact.]

[She kind of wishes she was more selfish, because going back to 1968 with Ginsberg sounds less bleak than going home with Wilson and trying to keep him from dying from cancer. This is going to be hard either way.]

Would you believe me if I said that I'd totally go with you if this wasn't a life-or-death for someone kind of decision? Because I think I would, and it'd probably mess up your entire life because universes aren't supposed to have people just showing up in them, but if you wouldn't mind...

[Penny brings a hand to his cheek and thumbs away some tears.]

I really do like you, y'know.

I'd believe you. And I'd even say that I admire that you'd do that. Not a lot of people would. And my entire life is already pretty messed up. I think having you around would make things a lot less messed up. Hypothetically, I mean. I know it's not going to happen, so I'm not even going to try to imagine it.

[He offers the tiniest, most pathetic of smiles when she wipes away some of his tears.]

I really like you, too. And I hope whoever you're going home with really likes you, too, because they should recognize what a lucky son of a bitch they are.

I really, really wish I could un-mess up your life. I couldn't, though. I messed mine up pretty well, and then there's that whole thing where I'm a bad luck magnet. [She forces a smile, but it's sad.] But you'll be okay. Things have to turn around eventually.

[He is actually going to kill her with feelings. Maybe she should rethink this. Maybe Ginsberg needs her more than Wilson does.]

Well... he doesn't like me like that, but we're good friends.

Can I say something? And you can choose not to listen to it if you don't want to because god knows I'm shitty at giving advice and I'm even worse at taking it, but... I'd never expect you to come along for the sake of un-messing-up my life. Wherever you go, you should be going because it's going to help your life. I mean, you deserve to be happy, not just the vehicle for someone else's happiness, okay? This sounds like, uh, one of those stupid self-help books, and I guess there's no way to avoid it sounding trite as hell, but...

[Where the hell is his great way with words when he needs it the most?]

You get what I'm saying. Don't come home with me because you want to fix me. Don't go home with this other guy because you want to fix him. Go because it'll help you. Be selfish for once. I highly recommend selfishness. I can't say it's always worked out for me in the past, but, well, like I said, I'm bad at giving advice, and worse at taking it.

No, I get it, and it's really good advice, but I wouldn't know where to go if it wasn't for someone or something, if that makes sense? I mean, I'll be happy wherever I am as long as I'm doing something useful, and this place I'm planning on going has plenty of homeless shelters and soup kitchens, and those are kind of my thing. It'll be nice, and I'll be alive and in one of those tiny apartments and I'll get to paint and become half-decent at playing the violin again and grow old and do everything else I didn't think I'd get to do.

[She's dead serious. Penny literally has no direction in life unless there are people to help, and she wouldn't know where to start looking for happiness if selfishness is required.]

So I guess that's kind of like taking your advice. It'd be better if I could bring you with me, or if I knew that there's someone who'd love me waiting somewhere...

[Oh, good. Now she's crying properly now, too.]

I know you said that you don't really get the love thing, but you've made me feel more loved in the last couple months than I've basically ever felt, so... even if you don't know what you're doing, you're doing it right.

There're a lot of homeless shelters and soup kitchens where I come from, too, and there're all kinds of good causes to fight for, like being against the war or being for civil rights, and there're plenty of tiny apartments because it's New York, and...

[He shakes his head.]

Sorry. That whole selfish thing again. I really am happy for you. Just knowing that you'll be alive and painting and helping people is enough. I, um... The thing I got you is kinda related to that, I guess.

[He picks up the bag and holds it out to her, a little awkwardly. Inside she'll find a nice set of colored pencils, and a somewhat fancy sketchbook.]

The, um, the first page on the sketchbook is just something I drew. Nothing exciting, but I wanted to get you flowers, and then I realized that'd be a shitty gift because they'd just die and make you sadder, so...

[The first page, if she looks, contains a drawing done by him -- sunflowers and daisies in bright colors, somewhat cartoony in style, all over the page.]

[Ginsberg, stop being so convincing! She has to go save Wilson from cancer!

She pauses after she takes the bag.] Thank you. I'd remember you without anything, but this is... thanks. I wish I had something to give you.

[And then she looks inside, taking out the sketchbook to flip through it. The first page makes her smile in spite of all of the crying.]

Ginsberg... they're beautiful. They'll be the first thing I put on the wall when I find an apartment. How'd you know that daisies and sunflowers are my favorites? Or that I'm not so much a fan of cut flowers?

[He smiles back, too, because it's impossible not to.]

When we, uh, when we were wizards -- it feels so weird to say that, but hey, it happened, and I was great at levitating tables, so that's something -- I turned a quill into a flower for you. A carnation, I think. And you told me that it was your third favorite kind of flower, after daisies and sunflowers.

[He shrugs. As far as he's concerned, it's not that impressive of a present; he'd just wanted to do something vaguely romantic, and that was his best inclination.]

And you remembered that.

[Maybe it's a little thing, but it's so thoughtful and so far beyond what Penny has come to expect that she might be a little bit in love with Ginsberg. She doesn't know how to say that, exactly, so she clasps her hands behind his neck and kisses him gently.]

[He kisses her back just as gently, and yeah, maybe he's got no idea what love is or what it's supposed to be like, but he kind of wonders if he isn't feeling it right now. It's shitty timing for it. He tells himself it's just a surge of emotion because they're leaving so soon.]

Well, yeah, I remembered it. I mean, it's an easy thing to remember. I don't know a whole lot about flowers, but I know what daisies and sunflower look like. Kind of. You know, the drawing's just... I'm not too great at making stuff look lifelike.

[Love enjoys showing up at the worst possible moments. It's probably best to attribute any warm fuzzy feelings to this eviction.]

Who needs realism? Dadism, Pop Art, Art Nouveau... Ginsbergianism. All way more interesting. And what's really important is that you cared enough to remember something silly like what my top three favorite flowers are.

Ginsbergianism, otherwise known as "this guy does the writing part of ads because we can't trust him to do the drawing part."

[He laughs.]

Anyway, I'm glad you like it. I was hoping you would. It'd be a shitty present if you didn't.

They just don't get it. All artists are totally misunderstood.

[She doesn't even know if she's teasing. Penny puts the sketchpad back in the bag so she can focus on what's important, which is Ginsberg.]

I don't want to come on too strong or anything, but there's some time before they start kicking us out and I might be able to think of a couple ways to thank you.

[There's got to be a damn good reason reds, pinks, and purples are all his favorite colors, and that might be because he always turns some shade of those colors when someone says something flirtatious. That doesn't stop him from nodding eagerly, though.]

Um, yeah. If you... I mean, I was going to suggest something like that, too, but I was worried about how it'd sound, so I'm glad you did. So I guess that means, yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

[But turning red and pink and purple is a good sign, right? Penny thinks it must be since his head is nodding.]

I was kind of worried that it'd make me sound like... well, you know, so it's really convenient that you want to. [To be fair, there's not usually a pressing time limit.] Your place? Mine's not that romantic. Or draftproof.

What, that it'd make you sound like you actually like me and might possibly be attracted to me? In what world could I ever even conceive of complaining about that? My place sounds great. It's closer, anyway.

[That means it's okay to take her by the hand and start walking back in that direction, right?]

I was thinking you'd think I sleep around a lot and not just with people I'm attracted to, but I like what you said more.

[Yes, this is a fine thing for him to do.]

You make it sound like you're surprised that I like you. Do I need to say it more?

Well, that wasn't my initial assumption, no, in fact, it wasn't even on the list of what that suggestion could possibly mean, but even if that were true, and that's something you did, it's not like I'd think badly of you for it.

[He smiles a little, although he still looks sad underneath it all, of course.]

I think I'm finally starting to figure out that you really like me. Maybe.

Really? That's usually what people think. It's a good thing you're unusual.

[Penny has to wonder if, given some time, she could chase away that lingering sadness. That's no way to be thinking when she's already decided that going home with Wilson is the only option she could really live with.

But going with Ginsberg sounds nice. He likes her. Wilson likes her, too, but word from the future is that he marries this woman who visits some curse days. Chase would be in that world, too, but her two-year crush that recently ended in a let's-just-be-friends talk and the revelation that he'll be marrying Saya (who is mean, that's the worst part) has thoroughly destroyed that option. And Wilson won't even know that she's saving him from dying because future-Wilson told her to keep it a secret! It'll be a bummer existence and she anticipates being Forever Alone, but Wilson needs her. Maybe Ginsberg needs her, too, but Penny suspects that at least some of her conviction that he needs her comes from her own need to be loved. Totally selfish, ergo not an option.

Not that she's thinking all of this right now, although it keeps buzzing at the back of her mind. Penny loops her arm through Ginsberg's and leans into him a little--not enough to impede walking, just enough to feel close.]

Maybe? I see I'm gonna have to work harder to show you I mean it.

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