poly_chromatic | commander's log 004

Entry tags:

star trek: voyager - chakotay

commander's log 004 | accidental video;

[ to the average curse-goer, the hogwarts curse was by no means traumatic, but that's not the case for the crew of the starship voyager. for those who once had neural interfaces implanted at the base of their skulls that directly connected their neocortexes to the ship's computer, making them believe they were actually part of the holodeck scenarios they were forced to play out, it is. it's an unwelcome reminder of that time, of a point in their journey when their sense of control, along with their sense of self, was lost to a group of hirogen who treated them like foxes to the hunt. they were toys to be played with, broken, repaired, and sent back out to be broken again.

which is why when the video feed clicks on, the city's treated to an almost avengers-style scene: all four officers, clad in uniform from the ranks pinned to their collars to the polished boots on their feet, sitting around a table in their apartment, eating pizza in utter silence. they're a sea of red and gold; harry's arm's still in a cast and captain janeway's feet are shamelessly propped up on the only unoccupied chair. there's a pile of phasers at the center of the table, the group quietly distrustful of their restored reality as if they're calmly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

it's chakotay who breaks the silence. ]

It could be worse. At least no one was expecting a Nazi's child this time.

[ the table lurches as b'elanna kicks him hard in the shins for that crack, the commander grunting in pain as the video disconnects. ]

[ ooc: responses might come from any of them! ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[She needs an explanation? Merlin's beard.]

I can be there in a half hour.

[ well, specifically for b'elanna's reaction and the way the four of them were sitting in silence so soon after the end of everything. ]

I'll see you there.

[As promised, she's there, bundled up against the chill winter air and her hair a stark contrast to her bright white coat. She's confused and concerned, really, and when she sees him, she waves.]

[ he's as bundled up as he feels like being, though his uniform is definitely underneath all of that as added comfort. to the casual observer, he appears quite normal, maybe just a little bit wary. to someone who knows him well, he's tense, maybe even a tad jumpy, as though he's looking for something he's sure will jump out and bite him.

when he sees ginny, though, he manages a smile and waves as he approaches. ]

Good to know the cold didn't stop you. And I'm sorry for being cryptic. I thought it was best to discuss this in person.

[She smiles briefly at him but it fades just as quickly afterwards. Ginny studies him for a moment, and though she doesn't know him as well as she could, she knows him well enough to take in the way he's holding himself—if only because it's how she always feels on the inside.]

And what's 'this,' exactly?

The last time the four of us were brainwashed into thinking we had different lives.

[ yeah the whole thing that happened here with thinking everyone was part of some other reality? they've had that experience before and it did not go well. he sighs and rubs a hand over his face. ]

I might not be able to tell you all of the details surrounding that event, but we're all half-convinced that the species responsible is going to come soaring out of the City at any minute.

[ they'd been traumatized by what the hirogen had done to them, extremely traumatized. maybe harry most of all, because he'd seen it happen. he'd been the one person unaffected by the hirogen because they needed someone to keep the holodeck simulations running, yet they'd beaten him down many times in an effort to keep it all going.

things the voyager crew likes to pretend never happened: the hirogens. ]

[She thinks about telling him she'd been possessed as a child, that she knows what it's like to have your life taken away from you in that way. She thinks curses like the past weekend should make her angry, should make her worry. But it had been home, the closest taste of it she's had, and it was a violation but— ]

I'm sorry. [As if it's her fault. It wasn't. She's sorry she liked it.] Obviously I can't guarantee it won't happen, and saying it's 'just' the City isn't reassuring, but... [A small, helpless shrug.] Out of all the things it could have been, at least it was Hogwarts.

We don't blame you for it. [ he gets it and he hardly blames her. but maybe this explanation will make b'elanna's reaction make a little more sense. ] And Hogwarts is a good place. What I can "remember" says it's a very... [ he searches for the right word. ] ...safe place, a place where people mean something.

[ better hogwarts than the wwii simulation they'd been forced into. ]

At least this simulation didn't involve us running for our lives or being in any sort of danger when we got out. That's another good thing on the scale. Our previous captors weren't so kind.

[ go ahead and ask, ginny. he knows it's on her mind. ]

[She'd ask, but she thinks she's heard enough without the specifics, can draw assumptions from it.]

Captors. I hope what happened hasn't wrecked your opinion of where I come from. Your friend didn't seem to like my world very much. That's fine. But it's my home, Chakotay. It wasn't a prison to me.

[Perhaps she's being unreasonable, a little, but the way her voice hardens is out of defensiveness for the world for which she's fought and bled.]

I understand that. And we're all trying to see it for what it was, a chance to look into your life and your world, not what it reminds us of.

[ he doesn't blame her for being defensive and for a moment, he turns his gaze upwards, towards the stars. ]

From what I could tell, she spent the last few days experiencing the same sort of prejudice she grew up with. That isn't something she can fight, not physically. You may have to help her see the rest of the picture.

[ b'elanna's malleable, willing to look through things she wouldn't have a few years ago. he's sure she'll see that there's more to their experience. ]

You love your home as much as we love ours. If you talked badly about B'Elanna's home, she'd have the same reaction. As would I for mine. Yours seems to be better off than ours right now.

[ since, y'know, there's a whole war going on back home and the rest of their fellows are all dead. survivor's guilt: chakotay and b'elanna know it well. they keep going because they have to. and they have people who won't let them stop fighting, people like each other. ]

[She understands that a taste of the prejudice from home isn't any good. She can't defend that, not when it's so prominent, even with Voldemort gone. It'll linger for a while, she imagines, because one simply cannot wipe out generations of thinking in a single night. And of course the blood purity came with the rest of it, the shunning of Muggleborns and halfbloods and blood-traitors and "half-breeds."

She thinks of Hagrid, of Fleur, of Firenze, her own family. Tonks, Sirius, the faces burned off the Black family tree.]

Only if she wants to. Merlin forbid I force more of my world on anyone else. [It's dry and uncalled for, but she's only human. There's a pause, then she exhales, voice softening a bit.] Sorry, I don't...

[And then he says that last bit and her stomach lurches.]

And if my world seemed better off than anyone else's, that's because the curse didn't give us the whole story.

[ it isn't like voyager's crew hails from a world that's any better. theirs simply has to deal with different types of prejudice, judgments laid on a non-threatening crew that only wants to get home, judgments from the alpha quadrant about the maquis half of that crew, and others. ]

Ginny... [ he pauses as well and gives a gentle sigh as he tries to figure out how to word this without violating the temporal prime directive too much. ] B'Elanna comes from a warrior species known for their tempers and honor. They're a good people, but many still fear the treaty between our people and theirs is only temporary, that someday they'll go back to being our enemy. To top that all off -- and I'm probably not supposed to tell you this [ so please don't go talking about this to anyone else or his head'll be on the line from kathryn's ire. ] -- I'm not even technically a Starfleet officer anymore. I'm part of a group fighting against a massive Empire on the edge of Federation space. Starfleet considers us just as much a threat as that Empire. [ aka he's considered a bit of a terrorist as far as starfleet is concerned and though he doesn't mention b'elanna in reference to the maquis, it's a safe bet she's involved as well. ]

My point is we all understand that there's more to an experience than just one side. Give B'Elanna time. She'll come around.

[She listens. That's the difference between her now and when she first arrived in the City years ago, a headstrong child not yet humbled by time and the end of the war. So she listens to what he says, despite how she feels, and as he speaks she realises that she's not the only one keeping secrets.

She knows they have their whole Prime Directive that keeps him from telling her everything but this feels like it goes deeper than that. Part of a group fighting against a massive Empire...

Merlin's beard, but doesn't that sound familiar?]

Fine. [Soft, with less friction. Then, almost nonchalantly,] You could have told me you were part of a rebellion sooner. We might've found more things in common.

[ he isn't expecting ginny and b'elanna to get along perfectly. b'elanna's klingon temper tends to get the better of her and unless the people around her understand that, there's not much hope of getting along at all. all he asks is that ginny understand what he's saying in reference to b'elanna and that seems to be what's happening now.

as for the rebellion comment, he raises his eyebrows slightly. ]

Maybe I should've known. You do seem the rebellious type. [ teasing, even if she is as headstrong as b'elanna at times. ]

[She doesn't know that Bones and Chakotay have touched on the darker details of her world, however brief. So she doesn't exactly elaborate, just shrugging and shoving her hands into the pockets of her coat as she glances off.]

Only when it's for a good cause. Which I imagine yours was, too, because no one risks that much for nothing.

[She pauses.]

Anyway, don't worry. I'll play nice.

Most of us are fighting to protect something. In my case, for my home planet, to take my father's place in the fight for our colony. [ remember that conversation, ginny? ]

I'm not worried about you playing nice. This wouldn't be the first time I've ever had to pull her back. [ professional b'elanna wrangler, this one. ] Mostly, I thought you should know why the four of us will take a little longer than most to get over having our memories tampered with.

For what it's worth, I enjoyed the small taste of your world.

[The recognition that flashes across her face does suggest she remembers very well. They spoke of his father, mostly, of closure, and suddenly it all comes together the way it didn't a few months ago. Ginny smiles a little, apologetic and warm.]

That means a lot.

[And it does. Ginny's quiet for a few moments as she processes what he's said, debates on how much she could trust herself to say, and she circles back to her first year and the diary again. She gets as far as taking the breath to admit to it, to at least offer some sort of understanding so it doesn't feel like she's being unreasonable, but she can't bring herself to actually say it. She isn't sure she'll ever openly talk about it. Instead, what comes out of her mouth is second best: ]

It isn't easy, having something reach in and play. It's wrong and the City does it all the time and I'm sorry it's happened to you before because no one deserves that. Believe me when I say I get it.

[ somehow he realizes that she really does understand and it saddens him to know that. he would hope someone like ginny would never have to face some of the horrors he and his crew have. ]

No, it isn’t, and the last time this happened the entire crew of Voyager almost died. [ 150 people, ginny. ] We were toys to them, prey to be understood before we were killed. Some of the crew didn’t make it through, and we’re half-convinced that this time won’t be different, that we’ll turn around and realize they’re back and we’ve lost more people, good people.

[ the whole affair had been so traumatizing for all of them. things the voyager crew doesn’t talk about: the hirogens. his expression clouds for a moment as he remembers the first time they’d run into the hirogens and the time they’d gotten those letters from home. good people had a way of dying, it seemed, and he hoped, prayed to the spirits of his tribe if they would listen, that they wouldn’t return to voyager to find a skeleton crew. or worse, a deserted or destroyed ship.

but, in true chakotay fashion, he’s choosing not to focus on that for now. his expression relaxes as he picks out the positive result instead. ]

There is one good thing that came out of all that: we grew closer as a crew and I have a feeling the same will happen here. We’ll grow closer to our friends here, those outside the four of us. [ and that includes ginny. he hopes she won’t take it too personally and allow them the time they need to get over what happened and really enjoy her world for what it is. ]

[Perhaps not to the same extent, but Ginny has seen and done things at an age where the only worries in life should be boyfriends and homework. But that's, perhaps, a conversation for another time. What he talks about brings back the memories of her first year and she finds it hard to keep looking at him as he talks, though she never stops listening.

Then she shakes her head.]

Nothing's touching anyone. [She can't make that promise, she knows, but she means it all the same. She's come to care for the friends she's made in the City, some as close as family. She's been here almost as long as she's been at Hogwarts and though most of her friends have since gone home, there are connections that aren't so easily severed. And she is Gryffindor to the core.] And you will get closer to people here. Even if you think it's best to go home and leave, you can't help but make friends. It's the only way to get through this sometimes.

I already have.

[ whatever happens after this, he knows he's made at least one outside friend. he's gotten to know ginny so much in the few short months since he'd arrived and she's become a staple of his life here in the city. he would be very sad to see her go, even if she belongs back in her world. ]

Are you all right? [ regarding what happened or whatever may or may not be bothering her about this whole thing. ]

[She smiles fleetingly at his first answer, warm and genuine. The friendships are always made with the knowledge that one of them will leave, but that's what makes her latch on fast and firm. And though she doesn't trust easily, she knows when it's right.

But this isn't about her.]

I'm perfectly fine, Chakotay. Is that all you wanted to tell me?

I think that's all I should say for now. I just wanted you to know where we're all coming from. [ small pause. ] And now you understand what I was dealing with in your world, too. That ended up being too accurate for comfort.

It was very close to the real thing, actually.

[She doesn't know that he and McCoy have spoken about her, the struggles in her world.]

[ they only brushed on the subject, really. chakotay knows there was a war, but that's all he wanted to hear. the rest he'll let ginny tell him. ]

How close was it?

[ his tone makes it clear that while he's curious, he won't pressure her for information. she isn't bound by the temporal prime directive, like he is. she's only bound by what she feels comfortable enough to say. ]

[It isn't a secret anymore. The harder things are, the torture and the deaths to an extent, only because she doesn't want people to look at her with pity or tell her that children shouldn't be fighting in a war. She knows all that. Ginny simply shrugs, brushing her hair behind her ear, twisting the lock around her finger.]

Corruption in the Ministry, rebellion. It was all a little too perfect, but the idea was there. We had a resistance at the school when things— [She shakes her head.] There was a war. I'm sure you've pieced that together by now. A wizard wanted all power to go to him, to purebloods, and anyone who didn't agree with him was an enemy.

[Her hand is on her wand as she talks, the wood warm against her palm, magic sparking under her skin.]

They took over the school. What better way to keep our families in line than to have access to their kids? So we fought back. Then the fighting was everywhere. [She smiles at him, brief and quiet.] So talking about it like that, that's how it was for a few years.

commander's log 004 | accidental video;

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