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boardwalk empire - jimmy darmody

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[Jimmy hasn't been around much in the last couple of days. There's a good reason for that, a damn good one, and he's about to make it known. He looks tired, worn down, maybe even a little sick as he turns the communicator towards himself to begin recording.]

I died.

[No preamble, no explanation for the moment.]

I died, 'n I don't know what to think about it. I don't know whether I could've done anythin' to stop it. I don't know why the hell I had to come back to life.

[He rests his chin on his hand, sighing.]

All I know is I could sure use someone to talk to right about now. Or drink with. I ain't picky.

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[ Wilson gives a small nod at that. ]

I know; it's more... the coming back and having to deal with the intellectual knowledge that you were dead.

[ At least, that's the way he knows it. ]

Yeah, that's a part of it. And the concern that maybe I shoulda stayed dead.

You shouldn't have.

[ He says that quite clearly, emphatically. ]

And no matter what you think should have happened, we get what we're dealt. You're still here, and I for one am glad that you are.

I'm still here, yeah, but it's different now, ain't it? I mean, it's... kinda a second chance, right? Or a third chance, or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be.

The City is certainly a lot of things, but you can't really say it's short on chances. But here's what I can tell you about it.

A lot of people in the City have died before, and they come back, and the only option you really have is to just... keep on going. I can also certainly tell you a good number of them have died for much less reason than you did.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

[A sigh.]

But how many times do you gotta decide to just keep on goin' before you get sick of all that tryin'?

I think we all get sick of it sometimes. But as long as we're still here...

[ He shrugs - and as his drink arrives, he's quite content to take it and punctuate that shrug with a sip. ]

So what you're sayin' is that as long as we're still here, we might as well drink, right?

[He grins.]

As long as we're here, we might as well keep trying.

[ And with a tip of his glass. ]

Though the occasional drink isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[ Though he doubts it's occasional. ]

[He must be reading your mind, doctor, because...]

Hey, doc, how d'you tell if someone's an alcoholic? Y'know, just curious. For a friend.

[ For a friend. Of course. He sets down his drink - it's only appropriate - and draws a breath. There's a little tip of his head to a side as he gathers his thoughts and starts off. ]

Well... there are a number of signs, really. If this friend depends on alcohol to relax, to release stress, that can be a warning sign. If they regularly drink more than they originally intended to, or they drink to the point that it's affecting their obligations, their personal relationships... that can all mean that they're an alcoholic.

Don't most people depend on alcohol to relax? I mean, I guess maybe most people don't depend on it, but it's kinda what alcohol does, right? That's why so many people drink. I got a lotta friends who get drunk all the time.

[Partially, he is asking for himself. Partially, he's asking for other people, because he seems to know a whole hell of a lot of people who drink just as much or more than he does.]

It's a question of dependance. If someone doesn't have any other way to relax, or to cope with stress, that's... a sign.

[ So is getting drunk "all the time," of course. ]

Hmm. Guess that makes sense. I can't argue with you, anyway, 'cause you're the doctor. 'n I suppose it'd be the same for an addiction to anythin', right?

[ A small nod. ]

The patterns are typically the same, regardless of what the addiction is to.

[ Death and addiction. This conversation hits so close to home, it must have a top secret targeting system. ]

Okay. Okay, that's all real good to know. 'n people can be addicted to things that ain't, y'know, drugs, right? Anythin' can be addictive?

[A pause, a swig of his drink -- although maybe that's a bad idea, considering -- and then a little, apologetic smile.]

Sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into some kinda... y'know, deep, serious, pity party or anythin'.

Addiction is usually more about the addict than it is about the object of their addiction. Sometimes they'll just swap one addiction for another, sometimes they'll accumulate them. It can be any number of things, anything that serves as an "escape". Which is why it's most important to identify and address the reason behind their addictive behavior.

[ And he snickers, because... that was sure serious. ]

It's all right. I bring deep, serious, pity parties with me everywhere I go.

[ Dark levity, it's a neat trick. ]

[A long, slow nod, like he's really absorbing what Wilson's saying.]

I dunno, maybe you do, but I'm the guy sittin' here after bein' brought back from the dead, wonderin' about addiction. 'n besides, I'm the guy who you say has this PTSD thing, so I guess I'm just a big goddamn mess all around.

You're not alone in that, you know. I've come back, too - a lot of people here have, and we all deal with it in our own ways. And you're a far way off from the only person to ever deal with PTSD. But...

[ Not that he's entirely comfortable being given the credit for that diagnosis; outside his specialty and all, but he's accepted doing whatever he can to help him through it, so there's no argument. He does pause a moment here, deciding how he wants to put this. ]

You know, maybe you are a big goddamn mess, but the secret is that so is basically everyone else. Most of the time, life is a big goddamn mess, and the secret of living it is to figure out how you can best pick up the pieces of that mess and put it together into something better. It's a question of managing the messes we're all given, building something worthwhile with them, and never taking the beautiful spots in there for granted, or losing sight of them because of the clutter.

Yeah.

[He's nodding slowly at first, but then a little quicker, taking some kind of inspiration from Wilson's words.]

Yeah, y'know, you're right. The thing is, before all of this happened... I mean, I kinda saw myself as the walkin' dead anyway, y'know? It was like I'd died back in the war, 'n it didn't really matter whether I was alive or dead, 'cause it was the same either way. 'n now that I'm back, it's kinda... well, like you said. Managin' the mess. Not takin' bein' alive for granted.

[ There's a dry laugh there. ]

If there's anything that coming back from the dead instills in anyone, I'd say it's a sense of how lucky we all are to be alive at all, let alone in someplace like this. As long as we're alive, we always have the chance to make something out of the mess, and it's never really too late to decide that we'd like to try putting it back together another way. I think that's worth hanging on to.

Okay, sure. So we just keep on tryin', then, even when it feels shitty. 'cause we keep gettin' chances to try 'n get it right. Makes sense to me.

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