poly_chromatic

Y'know, I start thinkin' about what's goin' on around here, 'n sometimes it reminds me of home. It's kinda funny, 'cause there aren't a lot of similarities, but I guess there's certain stuff that sticks with you. When I was in the army, I saw all kinds of shit, really awful shit, and a lot of what's goin' on here isn't quite as bad, but...

[He sighs and scrubs a hand across his face.]

You get used to it, y'know? You start expectin' horrible shit to happen. Hell, I didn't even write home, the whole damn time I was in the army, just 'cause I was convinced I was gonna die, and my letters'd be more painful if I did. We were just the walkin' dead. Nobody expected us to get outta there.

[A shrug.]

So yeah, what's goin' on around here? Pretty bad, but I've seen worse. Funny thing is, though, this whole choosin' sides and allegiances thing? That got worse, after I got back from the war. You'd've thought I'd be done with that, but back in Atlantic City, there's a different kinda war goin' on. A turf war, kinda. Like this one.

[A long pause.]

Wait. Why the fuck am I... is this recordin'? Shit...

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Yeah, well, I mean, that's life, ain't it? Just a big series of things you shouldn't have to see.

[A pause. That was rather more revealing than he'd meant it to be.]

Yeah, I know. Everyone's seen me yammerin' about this stuff now.

It can be, though hopefully it manages to get a few less unpleasant scenes mixed in along the way. It's those we all have to hold out hope for.

[That was a distressingly revealing statement, though.]

At the same time, though, at least it isn't only you. And I doubt most people would give you a difficult time about being affected by something here. Most.

I guess that's true. I ain't sayin' there's not good things in the world, I'm just sayin'... it's really hard to see beauty when you're not used to seein' it, y'know?

It does get more difficult to see the positive when someone is so used to being surrounded by the negative. You can come to expect it - sometimes it can go so far as to make you distrust beauty, always waiting for it to turn ugly.

It is still there, but you do have to look for it a little harder, and there's more faith involved in taking it for what it is.

Yeah? Do you manage to do it? See the beauty, I mean. In anythin'? I mean, bein' a doctor, you must see all kinds of awful shit.

It can take a little bit of effort sometimes, but... yes. Sometimes it's a matter of taking whatever small bits of happiness and beauty come my way. Little triumphs, moments that make things worthwhile. I feel like the more awful things I see, the more important it becomes to give meaning to each moment, to make things matter.

Which, I suppose, it is a bit of a tangent, but... nonetheless.

Nah, that makes sense to me. I guess it just takes a certain kinda person to do that. I can't seem to.

It takes time, and work to get there. But we all have different ways of coping, of reacting, of experiencing our feelings and working through them. It's a question of finding a way to deal with them that works for you, which isn't necessarily going to be the same as the way anyone else deals with things.

Yeah, but what if all of my ways of copin' are bad?

[Because they are. Though normally he doesn't admit it.]

Then you need to try to figure out why you cope the way that you do, and try out some other ways of dealing with things. Sometimes you do have to try a few things out before you find a way to handle things, before you figure out an outlet for what you're gong through.

Okay, sure, that sounds reasonable. How d'you cope with things? What's your... outlet?

[Not talking about it and getting people to focus on their problems instead. Wait, that doesn't sound good...]

Other than trying to find meaning in things? I like to help - and I don't mean that in a pompous doctor kind of way, what I mean is... if there's a hardship that I'm suffering through, or watching someone else go through, it helps if I can feel like I can do something constructive, like I can make something positive happen to counteract that. It helps me feel like I'm not powerless against things.

But different people have different outlets. They use creativity to vent, or find something hands-on to do, to get that sense of accomplishing something tangible, or they just find someone they can talk to. It's all a question of what helps them fill that need.

Okay, so your version of copin' is basically what you're doin' right now -- trying to help someone else.

[He gets it. Kind of. He just wouldn't be very good at doing the same thing. And he has a hard time believing that Wilson could actually be this seemingly... good.]

I used to write sometimes -- that's that creativity thing, I guess -- but I haven't done that in a long time. What's the point, y'know? Doesn't matter how much shitty poetry I write, I'm always gonna be a bad guy.

It's... one way it manifests, I suppose.

[And this is why things don't always work for everyone.]

Nothing is necessarily preordained - and, if it helps you to get some of your feelings out by writing, then that's its own point. To a certain extent, you have to be patient with these things, give them some time to see if you feel like something is helping you. Life doesn't usually have a lot of quick fixes to offer.

Sure, I know.

[A pause. He hates this stupid curse. He hates it even before what he says next comes out of his mouth.]

But doc, I've killed people. 'n y'know, I don't think... well, ain't that supposed to be the kind of thing you can never fix?

[Of course Wilson can accept that he's killed people, with the military background. No reason that should be surprising, even if such a direct statement is different than the implication. Anything else, well...]

There's a difference between fixing something and moving on from it, using it to build going forward. People make mistakes, and they do things that they're not proud of and... sometimes, they're the kind of things that you can't take back, that you can't let go of and which you shouldn't let go of. Sometimes they're completely reprehensible, but regardless of what you have done, regardless of what anyone has done, you still have your life to live. It's a question of doing your best going forward, of learning from the past instead of trying to repress it, accepting it and letting that acceptance influence you in a way that makes you better, that lets you go forward. It's a question of learning how to keep it with you without letting it consume you, because giving up on your own life won't bring anyone else's back.

Would you say there're things that you should never accept? I mean, things you should never let yourself live with?

[Like killing someone, for example. A lot of someones.]

In that question, what's the alternative to letting yourself live with something you've done?

[You ask worrisome questions when you're forced into honesty, Jimmy.]

Feeling guilty forever, or...

[A long sigh.]

Lettin' yourself die, I guess?

I tend to think that if someone has it within their self to feel guilt over something they've done, then they have the capacity to do something positive with that feeling, and I think that's what they owe to the people they've hurt. You can't change things that have been done, but you can change what you're doing now and how your actions affect the people around you going forward.

Okay, well... I guess I can try. I ain't doin' the things here that I did back home, at least.

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