poly_chromatic | 2.9; video

Roxas...? Are you still there?

[ pause ]

I should've...I...I shouldn't have kept eating the candy I guess.

I'm sorry.

[ for that it happened at all, not Roxas' 'birth' but more what he went through because of it - selfishly though Sora wants Roxas to exist, wants him as his friend, and a friend carries part of you with them true and if it's more literal with them then that's something they contend with, but it doesn't make Roxas less of his own being any more than Sora, at least not to him. it doesn't undo what happened though - his treatment, the usage of him, none of which can entirely sink in as much as maybe it should, as maybe it will one day when Sora knows the whole story, but it's always longer than you think.

on a simplified matter, he's sorry for eating the heart too, but even that's not black and white; because Sora does want to know more of Roxas, but he's sorry in case of Roxas not having wanted to share it in the first place.

replies fragmented as they are might not make sense and Sora wonders if he should wait to find Roxas or ask him now. ]

[ He can still hear Sora's replies, though his Other's voice sounds tinnier coming from the ground. Roxas is suddenly much farther away, not a few feet but worlds away and months in the past.

I hate you so much.

My heart belongs to me!

But that had never been true, had it? ]

Uh...

[ It takes a moment to get a grip on himself, and another to lean over and fumble for the device. ]

I'm fine. It's okay. Forget about it.

[ He means that literally. ]

Edited 2012-02-17 19:35 (UTC)

No it's not!

It's not fine! I...

[ --wish there was something I could do. Want to make it up to you.

... ]

I mean you're not gonna forget about it. I won't either.

[ More quietly: ] ...why d'you say it's 'fine'?

He was awful to you.

[ NOT that that's...a rarity for Roxas but like...the point stands. It's definitely not fine. ]

Because it's over and done with! He's dead. It doesn't matter what he said to me.

[ It's not the first time he's lied to Sora, but it's probably the most obvious. ]

How much did you see?

You...and him...he called you half of me, said...he was a servant and that you were...a...tool...

Just because he's gone doesn't make it fine. It was wrong. It's still wrong.

So it matters.

[ A pause, he sighs. ]

It ...it bothered you then. You were angry.

[ Sora almost says I think I could feel it but stops, waits, thinks: that kind of thing would still bother me.

Doesn't it still bother you? I don't believe you if you just say it's 'done'.

It goes back to the other thing: Roxas is a who, not a what. So it can't be that basic. Sora can't let it be just yet. ]

[ So he hadn't seen the whole thing.

But it was enough. ]

I'm not now.

[ Another lie. ]

It doesn't matter. It's over. I don't want to remember that.

But...you do remember. I...how can you just...

[ FEELINGS. ]

You tried to attack him. I wish it really had been him. He deserved it.

[ BABBLE BABBLE theory: maybe if he keeps talking Roxas will...talk back..and eventually...well let's be honest Sora's not sure but talking is better than not talking. ]

What happened after?

[ ALL THOSE THINGS LEARNED ABOUT PATIENCE AND NOT PUSHING? Need not apply here. Roxas is saying he doesn't want to remember but to Sora all that does is tell him that it really does still bother him if he DOES think about it.

And considering the timeline, more or less Sora gathers it's not like he had time to talk or think about it much if at all. Why's it so important to dredge up if Roxas says he doesn't want it to be?

Well Sora doesn't have a clear answer but he knows it feels important, that it's not something he should let go.

So he doesn't. Maybe Roxas is mad at him or maybe he will be. Maybe that's okay. Sora didn't get much of anywhere without diving in head first or just...pushing. Sometimes it's a good thing to return to old tactics, especially when you run as often on heart and gut instinct as anything else, if not more than. ]

[ He glares at the communicator, wanting to ask why can't you just drop this but already knowing the answer.

It's Sora; he can't let go of anything really important. It's something Roxas likes about him. But not here and not now. ]

You woke up.

[ Accurate and yet not. He's sure Sora won't be fooled into thinking that's all there was to it. But to Roxas, it's all that mattered.

Sora had gotten his last day of summer vacation. Roxas hoped he'd made it count. ]

What about....between then and...when we... [ fought ] ...the next time we met up?

~~The first time I can remember.~~

[He squeezes the device tightly in one hand.]

Your pod opened. That's the only time I ever saw you face to face. I didn't even try to go back to you, it just happened. It was like falling asleep.

I woke up when Axel died. You know what happened then.

[ when he swallows, it's not audible but it feels like it might be, a heavy sharp weight that could cut the inside of the throat, lodge behind a heart and leave a quiet kind of scar. yet it's not his still. it's his other's, belongs to roxas, and he's not sure if he's claiming too much when he thinks: maybe this is how you felt? ]

I'm sorry for what he did to you. How he...

[ 'used you' is just part of it really so to just chalk it up to that alone is wrong.

He wishes Axel had gotten to see Roxas again, vice versa, wishes there'd been some other way and isn't that one of the worst feelings too? To wonder and never really be sure. ]

He was wrong, you know. I could hear him.

[ While they've shared a lot by now, both before and after Roxas puzzled out their true connection here in the City, but this is a side that's probably new to Sora. Roxas has never been bitter before. ]

I don't forgive him.

[ There's some distortion from Sora having run into someone, entirely focused on the conversation as he is, but when he talks again it's quieter, like he's gone off to one side somewhere, which he has. ]

I...

[ wouldn't either? don't blame you? can see why?

... ]

I....don't think he deserves to be.

[ which coming from Sora is another thing entirely but he knows as sooon as he says it out loud that he means it. ]

[He lets out a quiet, disbelieving laugh.]

You don't even—

Just...forget about it.

I won't forget about it. You won't either.

~~Why won't you tell me?~~

I know it upsets you.

But I don't understand and I want to understand. I didn't think I'd get the chance to with you and since we have it I don't think we should just...

[ just let it go by....just call it okay

when it's not ]

You wouldn't understand this.

[ How could anyone? Thinking you're a normal person. Wanting only to spend every day with your normal friends. Then having it all ripped away.

He doesn't want Sora to understand that. No one should have to. ]

Maybe not....but....you shouldn't....

...I mean...

[ he pauses, for a long time, ends up sitting down where he is, cross legged like a kindergarten kid taking up surpriisngly clean sidewalk in an alleyway ]

...I don't want to make you tell me. That's...not what I wanna do. It's...enough people've made you do things you didn't want to or without telling you...everything they should have.

But...

Well.

I know maybe I wouldn't understand. I'm not you. But...I want to be your friend and....I want to...understand as much as I can - what happened to you and how you felt. How you feel.

It's important to me.

[ a pause, just background din ]

...but don't...I mean...I don't know how to say it another way. Even though it's over, it hurt you.

I don't think you should have to deal with it by yourself.

'cause you're not by yourself now.

I'm just sorry you were....and...

...yeah...I'm just sorry.

I wasn't by myself!

[The words pour out in a torrent. It's the last thing he wants to happen but his emotions are too raw and too close to the surface.

This was in the past. All that pain—the heartache—done with, Xemnas and Ansem both dead and gone, nothing left but to sort out a new life here in the City and figure out what he and Sora mean when they're together as friends and not one person.

But now it's like what happened months ago was really yesterday, and his heart and his eyes burn as he tries to hold back the longing for the ones he never got to say goodbye to.

Hayner. Pence. Olette.

Axel.]

I wasn't by myself. Or at least I thought I wasn't. Then he showed up and ruined everything!

[ Sora's not sure what to say to that. He doesn't understand enough and that's the whole problem here of course. ]

Not all the time, but....what about when you left?

Roxas....I'm probably getting a lot of things wrong.

I don't mean to.

I just...don't know a lot about what did happen.

[He's quiet for a long moment.]

I'm going to the beach.

[ Sora doesn't reply but when Roxas gets to the beach he may see why: Sora is there, waiting, looking more filled with misgivings than he knew he could feel or express. His ridiculous shoes are gone, his bare feet buried ankle deep in the sand, toes wiggling anxiously under the sliding granules.

He blinks at his other, his friend. There's lots of things that can go here: an apology, for starters, and please for another, except Sora isn't sure anymore what he's asking for. Or no, that's not quite it.

Trying to meet Roxas even when Roxas does not want to be met or wants it to be released, to let go, is pushy, is maybe too much, but it's got to be better than doing nothing right? Sora doesn't remember who first taught him that trying is better than not trying, but it stuck, and it is entirely possible that that belief is fallible. If that's true though, it will take Sora a fair time longer to fully come around to digesting that, so for now he goes by a confused combination of what he knows: keep trying. And what he's not sure of but keeps taking jabs at in the dark: this matters, it's none of my business except that it is, we're friends and I want to know even if he doesn't want me to know. Secrets aren't good for any of us, right?

He bites his lower lip and spreads his hands, arms fractionally akimbo, a posture of please don't be mad but really it would be okay if Roxas was because it would be how he really felt. Sora can deal with that. Maybe at the root of it, the heart of it, that's still what this is about: he just wants to finally be honest with him even if he doesn't know what that entails yet, for him or for Roxas, for both of them. And sure, okay, he wants that selfishly in return.

Backing down isn't Sora's way at the end of the day. He's got to keep at it until the last moment, and the last moment hasn't come yet. So here they are. ]

[ He takes the long road for once, walking instead of opening a dark corridor, gathering his thoughts—which mostly consists of trying to tamp down an unbelievable fury.

Isn't it enough, DiZ, that you had to destroy my life twice? Can't your memory die with you and leave me alone?

As he steps onto the sand, Roxas senses Sora before he sees him and angles himself in that direction, although he doesn't meet what he imagines to be Sora's questioning gaze. This isn't his fault and neither of them deserve what happened. It's too bad that doesn't make it easier to talk about.

Barely extending one hand, he summons a weapon in a flash—not a Keyblade of white or black, but of gold and silver, simpler in design but no less powerful. The Kingdom Key. ]

Wanna spar?

[ He answers more out of instinct than thought this time, nods keyblade coming to hand more in feeling than thought as well, and it's strange to see its double across from him, disorienting almost though not the way it might have been before. This time it's more an uncertainty as to what it means when they fight or if they are just sparring because talking is too hard sometimes. ]

Sure, [ he says and it's so quiet it almost is like he speaks more to himself, falling into a ready stance.

Maybe if he tries to stop badgering for a minute, maybe Roxas will say something more of his own choosing, whether about DiZ or something else, another aspect of it Sora doesn't know. ]

[ He doesn't talk for now, doesn't even think of doing so. Instead he falls into a matching stance, equal and opposite, and strikes the first blow.

It's nothing like the furious blows of their previous fight, but it's not halfhearted, either. Resigned, maybe, or focused. The beach isn't a good place for even a mock-battle, especially for Sora, who must contend with a lack of shoes, but neither of them have been able to make many of their own choices in the last few years. That hasn't changed now.

This is easier than talking. Falling into the rhythm of combat, letting his body choose for him—it's much easier. ]

[ Sora doesn't mind the absence of his shoes, just figures it's something to get used to the way being a lion cub was something to get used to, and in the scheme of things a shoelessness is a lot less of a shift. Still, if he seems less than committed it's not really true; he's distracted though, maybe a bit too intent on Roxas' expressions (or lack thereof) as they swing at each other, sand flying in all directions each time one of them or both get propelled back by a clash.

He lets the silence get shoved around by nothing but the seabreeze and the rush of waves hitting the shoreline for a fair amount of time, but as he starts to break a sweat - feels his skin prickle on his nape with the wash of cold air - he digs his bare heels into the sand just to push off with more intention towards his other. It's not a downward swing so much as a side-swipe, not aiming to land a blow on his person but to make a spar worth the while. ]

I feel [ he grits his teeth when the blades connect ] like you know more about [ he pushes back] me [ tries to keep his footing solid ] than I know about you.

[ In a way it'd be easier if he let it go, he can tell that just fine.

But easier isn't always better. ]

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