0200: Hiding

[livingmyths]

I wish I hadn't tried on that stupid ring yesterday.

It just looked so pretty I thought I'd put it on just for a minute.

I'm sorry I didn't get in to work, but when I finally got it off I buried it out in the woods and then went and hid in bed with my head under the covers the rest of the day.

Comments

[sangreine]

Don't feel that way! You're not alone, lots of people here care about you! [Her insistence is fierce thanks to many of her own fears surfacing.]

Can... can I help?

[livingmyths]

Just being so nice to me helps.

[It's hard for her to remember sometimes that there are people who care for her.]

It does really. It makes me remember I don't have to be alone here.

[sangreine]

I know. A lot of people did the same for me when I got here.

[The part of her that worries for Rain's privacy is far outweighed by her own curiosity about something...] If you could forget all those bad things, your memories of home, do you think you would do it?

[livingmyths]

[Rain had to think about that for a moment. She considered, biting her lip.]

I don't know. There are lots of things I wish I could forget. Lots and lots.

But forgetting wouldn't change that they happened.

And maybe then I wouldn't know how to be safe - how to know what bad people do sometimes.

And I wouldn't want to forget the little ones - even the sad parts of them, like when they died. And... and a lot of the bad things happened so I could try and help them and keep them safe, so...

I guess... I guess, no.

[sangreine]

[Saya smiles a little, sadly. She thought so.] What happened to you made you who you are, even if it hurt. Isn't that right?

[livingmyths]

[Rain nodded.]

Even the bad things.

Maybe especially the bad things.

Things I get scared - that I don't always want people to know about 'cause... they won't like me anymore.

[sangreine]

[So many things Saya could say, knows might help. But with everything she knows, the fears she can't hide about herself, she can't just brush off Rain's worry with a simple 'of course they'll still like you.']

I worry about that, too.

[livingmyths]

But you're good, Saya.

I don't think you ever did bad things like me.

[sangreine]

I think... I think maybe I did.

But if you did bad things, Rain, I think you probably didn't have another choice. [She believes that both because of her opinion of Rain and what she hopes for herself.]

[livingmyths]

That's what people say here.

But Ar-

But people I like a whole lot... I don't think they'd understand.

[sangreine]

[A familiar fear. But when she really thinks on it, Saya can't think that the people she cares about would really turn away from her. That option, though, only scares her more.]

You probably don't have to tell them if you don't want to.

[livingmyths]

Isn't that kind of like lying? If you don't tell for too long?

I probably already should have told him he can't call me a lady because I'm too dirty.

[sangreine]

I don't know. But I do think you should believe in the people you care about. [Either that they'll forgive you, or that they'll understand why you can't forgive yourself.]

[Saya believes in everyone, that's why she knows they'll be okay when she has to put them out of her life.]

[livingmyths]

Maybe I should just try and be happy with what I have and hope he doesn't hate me too much when he finds out.

[She's quiet for a minute.]

Saya? I do think he'd understand.

But I don't think he'd ever be able to see me the same way again.

I know that where - when - he's from, the sex thing is a big deal.

Knowing the things I had to do and the things I chose to do here once I knew it wasn't supposed to be a horrible ugly thing...

[sangreine]

[Oh Rain, you poor thing :( ]

I'm really sorry. I wish I could make it better.

But... if he's as good a person as you think, he'll still see all the same good things in you. [She's shaking but hides it; she doesn't entirely believe her own words here, but she knows that's what she's supposed to believe.]

[livingmyths]

He will.

But he'll... I think he'll also be disgusted by it. By me.

[Her words all come out in a rush now.]

It was okay when it was just me sort of having feelings and knowing that he could never because I was just a nobody and didn't matter and he just thought I was a nice person that he was ever so nice to, but now I think maybe he likes me too a little and that means -

It means...

It matters.

[sangreine]

[Saya deeply wishes someone else could reply to Rain, because she desperately needs the advice herself. She wants so much to help, but how can she?]

[But then, if there's one thing her experiences so far have taught her...]

It does matter, I know. But it's funny, how other people accept things about us more than we want to accept them ourselves. More than they maybe should. [Even if her friends don't know the extent -- neither does she, really -- they don't seem to care. They should care, but they don't.]

Maybe it will matter to him, but maybe you'll matter more. [That's her wish, anyway. For herself and for Rain.]

[livingmyths]

Maybe I'll matter more...

[Rain's voice is quiet and thoughtful as she repeats Saya's words, letting them sink into her not-always-working-so-right brain. And somehow they, more than anything anyone else has ever said, really seem to resonate with her.

Maybe she would matter more.

People had always said it wouldn't matter to someone who really cared about her, but she could never believe that. It would matter. Had to. It was a big ugly thing that was part of her and could never go away.

But she could just about imagine that she might matter more to someone than that part of her did. She could understand that.

And her smile grew.]

Thank you, Saya. Maybe, maybe that could be true. That I could matter more. Oh gosh, I hope so!

[sangreine]

I hope so, too. [She's shaking now, eyes stinging, but she covers it so well one would think she had centuries of practice. At least, if she can't be happy herself, she can help someone else with their troubles.]

I'll... talk to you soon, okay?

[livingmyths]

Okay, Saya.

[Rain hesitates, thinking something isn't quite right.]

Saya... if you need anything I'll try and help you too, okay?

[sangreine]

Okay.

[A single, clipped word because she just wants to stop talking and thinking of this.]

[She disconnects before anything else can be said.

[livingmyths]

[Rain just looked at the closed connection for a moment. Then her lips began to tremble and despite her best efforts, she cried.]