poly_chromatic | 034 x 430 // text // plan your own...

[She trashed the apartment this morning. The anxiety mounted above and beyond what could she could handle, that knot of glass and tar inside of her chest unbearable, the crying inside of her head pulsating too heavily. It's been building there, behind her eyes and deep in her stomach and lungs, for weeks now. She's been counting down to this day, or maybe it's been creeping up to her. Climbing over her, choking her.

The wreckage is inevitable, furniture overturned and porcelain shards scattered across the floor. Her dog is clawing at the bathroom door now, and for some reason that she doesn't understand, she has this to share with the network,]

CAROLENA MARÍANNA MORIR
09/08/1986 — 03/26/2011
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR .

[[ooc; This post is a catchall for Carla's suicide. This is a blanket trigger warning for the entirety of this post and any comments that may follow. She will answer any network comments, but it will be timelined to before her final episode. Action from folks involved in this fiasco are welcome, as well as any initial visitors on Sunday (it takes 24 hours for the dead to wake up.)

By the way, it's her birthday. She's 30 today.]]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[She's making miserable noises again. She knows what she needs to do.]

I don't-- [Teeth grinding.] I don't understand, how to change my perspective and retain who I am.

[She makes a scoffing noise]

What does that matter? You hate yourself.

This isn't--

[This isn't me? No, that argument doesn't work. This is her, and all of her decisions and failures. She broke a long time ago and never put the pieces back together.]

I...

[She isn't crying again, but she is overwhelmed by it, hand wringing in the restraints because it's moments like these when she most longs for distraction.]

Carla, I could break you apart and rebuild you, but you would hate that too.

If all you can do is hate yourself, then why do you want to be you?

It's... weak, to change into someone else...

[But she's already made that transgression, hasn't she?]

And what's strong about this?

It's pathetic. I look down on others for being too weak to even be themselves. I didn't want to do it myself.

I won't make this decision for you, Carla.

I don't want you to.

Finally, something sensible.

[Sob.]

Why are you here, Saya.

Because someone had to be.

Did they?

[Because she's always been waiting for abandonment.]

If you insist you deserve to be treated like trash, you will be treated like trash. Isn't that how it goes?

[She is trash. She can't hide it anymore, can she.]

Yes.

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