( audio 16 )

[yourbestguysgun]

[ He doesn’t really want to make a big deal of it, there’s no point, and he already feels kind of awkward about it. So Bucky’s network post is short, to the point, because he’s too tired to make it anything else. ]

Hey, so uh -- I’m not dead. Just figured people should know that. In case they were curious. [ Sarcasm, thy name is Bucky. ] Howard, I need to talk to you. In private, okay?

[ End feed. ]

Comments

[yourbestguysgun]

Explains what?

[ A sip. Crepe rests her head on Howard's knee. ]

[latenightfondue]

[ Crepe gets all of the petting. ]

Forget it. I need more scotch. Where'd the bottle go?

[yourbestguysgun]

Kitchen. [ Sticking to this point. ] Explains what?

[latenightfondue]

[ He disappears and returns with it clutched to him like it's something precious. ]

The whole hate thing.

[yourbestguysgun]

[ Swallowing his glass down and holding it out. Refill it, Stark. ]

I don't hate you.

[latenightfondue]

[ Generously filling both glasses. ]

I'd hate to see you with someone you do.

[yourbestguysgun]

[ A little bit firmer. ] I don't hate you.

I just -. It don't matter.

[latenightfondue]

Never does.

[ Oh, look, his glasses is empty. ]

Seen y'ain't dead, so I should probably be going.

[yourbestguysgun]

[ Draining his glass, and without looking at Howard. ] You took him away from me.

[latenightfondue]

[ He's starting to push himself up when he freezes, raises a confused eyebrow. ] Who, Cap?

[yourbestguysgun]

[ Reaching for the bottle. Fuck, does dying make everyone so maudlin? ] You're easy to blame, okay? All I know is I left my best friend, I knew he was safe and the next minute he's bursting into the middle of a war and I can't -.

I can't protect him. You made him into your war machine and I can't do a damn thing any more. He was so happy, you made him what he wanted to be, and I hated you for doing it when I couldn't.

[latenightfondue]

[ Oh god, which is the expression written on his face, because there are actual feelings being discussed and he honestly doesn't know what to do with that. Well, besides snatching the bottle and filling his glass to down once Bucky's done with it. ]

It weren't all my doing, y'know? And Cap wanted it, like you said, it's not as if we forced him into it. Colonel Philips had some other guy in mind, some dick thought he was good enough, but you ask me we made the right call. He saves lives, it makes him happy. [ Shrugging, swallowing down another glass. ] And you ask me, he's the one been protecting you.

[yourbestguysgun]

He shouldn't have even gone to war in the first damn place. [ Knuckles going white around his glass. ] All you see is Captain America, you don't know what he was like, you don't know who he was. I do, and he is the only damn thing I've ever had and you took him and he's going to die and I can't fucking stop it.

[ Breathing. ] That kid you turned into a hero is still just a fucking kid, and I should be there t'stop him from giving up everything for this, and I can't, Stark, I can't. You took that decision out of my hands the minute you pumped him full of your goddamn miracle.

[latenightfondue]

[ He actually looks offended at that, because he sees more than Captain America, and there aren't many men in the world who can find the patience for him unless they need him to build for them. Steve always has time, and he hates himself for not being better equipped to return the favour properly. ]

Without him we'd never've won the war. Dead or not, he did in the end. Sure, we lost soldiers, civilians, and all that stuff, but he pretty much did it single-handedly, and you think I ain't aware that it takes someone made'a something special to do that?

[ Putting the bottle down, he perches on the edge of the cushion, head hanging down. ] I looked for him. After. Got orders to call off the search, so I kept it going on my own dime. Y'think I didn't care? You're wrong.

[yourbestguysgun]

Y'know when we were kids he used to love that hero stuff. [ Bucky doesn't look up, but there's something - choked - in his voice. ] An' I was the one making sure nobody'd break him, all I ever wanted to do was keep that stupid, skinny little jerk safe, okay? And I can't.

It is killing me every day knowing that Steve is going to die and I'm not there to protect him. I should've been there, I should never've left him in New York in the first place.

[latenightfondue]

[ He turns his head to look back at Bucky, can see genuine pain there, and a part of him, a twisted part, the one that doesn't avoid responsibility and commitment at all costs, envies that. ]

Least you had your time together then, and you got it now. [ There's something else in his voice that he tries to control. ] He probably wouldn't want me telling you this, but he weren't the same after you. Threw everything he had left into finishing the job, became hard, and that's the guy I can relate to best. If it helps, I did what I could, Agent Carter too, but he made the choice, Bucky Boy, his life for millions. You'd've been proud.

[yourbestguysgun]

[ Bucky lifts his chin slightly, gaze meeting Howard's, and there's something there, a desperation, a kind of anger at himself that isn't usually. ]

I'd take him over the rest of the world any day. Guess that's what makes him the hero and me not, huh?

[latenightfondue]

You ask me? Y'both got something makes you wanna throw yourself to the lions, you just got different reasons. [ There's something knowing in his expression and voice alike now. ] But it ain't worth it.

[yourbestguysgun]

[ Placing the glass down. ] Yeah. But sometimes you do it anyway.

[latenightfondue]

That's why y'should avoid getting tied down, get involved in something that ain't never gonna let you down, and numb the rest with this stuff. 'Causes a lot less pain in the end.

[yourbestguysgun]

[ He blinks, isn't quite sure what Howard's talking about. ] What?

[latenightfondue]

[ Awkwardly patting him on the shoulder. ] Trying tell you not to go throwing yourself in front of people and dying for the effort.

[yourbestguysgun]

[ Absolutely lost. ] What else m'I supposed to do?

[latenightfondue]

You got a lot going for you, Barney, y'gotta make sure to take advantage'a that while you can.

[yourbestguysgun]

Yeah, well. Whatever. [ He has absolutely no idea what you're talking about, Howard. This is really confusing him. ] Y'stickin' around, or -?