Justin Pendleton (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
othersdie) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
poly_chromatic2012-03-10 03:11 am
othersdie) wrote in poly_chromatic2012-03-10 03:11 am
Entry tags:
6 [text]
I hope that everyone has had time to recover from their experiences in the desert.
That was a strange curse, and strangely anticlimactic. I don't know what I was expecting, but it's worrisome--the sudden split, the apparent lack of control that the deities had over the event (but their amount of control has been brought into question before now), the abrupt disappearance of the desert. The City has an inherent instability to it. I understand that. I wish I understood something beyond that.
Someone--Rosella?--mentioned an hourglass. It seems like sand has always been making random appearances in the City (as far as I can remember) and everything seems to revolve around time: the Clock always (or almost always) ticks, the twelve apartment complexes are arranged around the center of the City like numbers on a clock face, most curses last twenty-four hours, other curses are so regular that they could be marked on a calender.
Sand and time. Did the hourglass get turned upside-down? Is there any significance to the fact that one City was sand and the other was glass when glass can be made from sand? How much control do the deities have and how much power do the other beings that we've seen before have? How much power do we have?
Not that it matters. The City exists whether or not we're here, whether or not we remember, and whether or not we care enough to worry about what it is and what its purpose is. Maybe the City isn't a sentient thing or a twisted experiment; maybe it's a world like any other where individuals don't mean anything. Maybe the Clock would keep ticking if we all vanished (if a clock works in a universe where no one can hear it, does it make a sound?). Right now, I'm inclined to think of us as grains of sand in relation to the City as a whole.
[Filtered to Neil and Todd // Unhackable]
I've been considering moving into my former apartment now that my memories have more-or-less been restored and I'm financially secure. I want to get a cat, too, but I didn't want to bring any pets into your apartment.
I'm not set on moving. [Being written, there is no pause here. It's strongly implied, however.] Not being alone is beneficial. Enjoyable, even. I do realize that I'm not the best company and that circumstances were different when you offered to let me live with you; I also don't think either of you would think to ask me to leave even if you'd rather not have me here.
Let me know what your thoughts are, please.
[Private // Off Network]
I haven't written anything down since the desert curse began. It's not for a lack of things to say or thoughts to get out of my head.
Gregor and Mendel were lost during the City's transformation into a desert. Their terrarium turned into sand along with the vast majority of my plants (it'd be more accurate to say that everything my plants need, from artificial lighting to appropriate soil, turned into sand and I couldn't replace everything fast enough to save them). I shouldn't care about insects, but I hope they didn't turn into sand as well. Maybe they escaped when the terrarium went. At least my books and journal survived.
Now that I remember her, I miss Neith. Cats are quiet, but they're more of a presence than insects. They don't get lost as easily in sand, either. I don't know what Shilo sees--saw--in insects.
I've been thinking about Shilo a lot. That time where I only half-remembered her and couldn't have told anyone why she was important or even who she was--that was strange. Why did I have to become obsessed with Euphie then? (I don't want to call it love. I don't like that word and I never should have said it.) If, hypothetically, Euphie had any interest in me, would I be unfaithful to Shilo? Is it possible to be unfaithful to someone who's in a different dimension and alive--someone who doesn't remember me? Were we even in a relationship where faithfulness was important?
Were we even in a relationship?
I can admit now that I loved Shilo (it's easier to use that word in the past tense), and I think she was the first person I loved. I liked being around her. I wanted her to be happy. I didn't mind holding hands or being close, which seemed significant since I didn't--and still don't--like that kind of physical proximity, usually. I feel the same way about Euphie. Not that we've been physically close that often, but when we have been, I haven't minded.
It doesn't matter with Euphie. She won't say it, or maybe she doesn't even know it, but she's beyond me. Shilo was, too, but at least Shilo and I were both just lonely teenagers (I keep thinking of myself as a teenager still, but I should be twenty or twenty-one by now). Euphie's a princess. She's not lonely. She doesn't need someone who's greatest asset is an ability to accept unusual backgrounds and hobbies.
I hope that Shilo isn't lonely at home. She's a good person; there was bound to be another good person for her.
I don't know why I'm even worrying about individuals when what I've really been questioning is my ability to be in a romantic relationship, or what kind. I thought I was attracted to Shilo and Euphie and Lisa before them, but was that attraction? I liked being around them, I was interested in them as people, and I didn't mind it when they were close. (I shouldn't talk about Euphie like she's not here anymore, should I?) That's it, though. I'm not interested in greater physical intimacy. Sex. I might as well write it since I'm the only one who will read this (unless I leave again, but when I'm dead I'm not in a position to care who reads what). I haven't wanted to have sex with any of the girls I've been attracted to.
Which leads to the obvious: have I wanted to be intimate with the same gender? I don't have anything against the thought, but I don't think that that's what I want. I've never had the same relationship with a boy as I have with a girl--not quite, and not for a lack of trying on the part of some parties--but I don't imagine feeling any differently. I liked being around Richard, mostly, and I was interested in his thoughts and who he was and how we interacted. I didn't like being too close to him. What does that mean? Was it just because it was Richard and I knew he was more of an opportunist than anything that can be strictly defined? Was I subconsciously attracted to him and consciously reacting the way I did in response to that?
I don't think so. I can't imagine wanting to be physically intimate--wanting to have sex--with anyone. The thought makes me uncomfortable. Sick, almost, like I'd crawl out of my skin if anyone got too close. It seems messy and disgusting and unnecessary.
I regret talking to Dean, but I stand by what I said: that's unnatural. People choose to be celibate, but I've only ever heard of anyone abstaining because of a lack of sexual attraction or desire when there was something wrong with them. It's not something I could go to a doctor about. I already know there's a list of things wrong with me; why worry about fixing something and leaving the rest? I might as well try to fix myself with antidepressants and hormone supplements.
Or I can keep self-medicating. I've worried about becoming an alcoholic before, but would it matter? I can't get deader. There's no one to disapprove (provided I keep paperwork in order and do whatever else Dean asks me to, but I could be drunk and high and manage the police force's paperwork better than him). I could move out and stop bothering Neil and Todd--stop keeping them from being happy. I want them to be happy. They're never going to be happy while I'm wallowing in misery in the other room because they're too good to not notice.
Sometimes I wonder why I worry about anything at all. No matter what I do, I'm still dead. That's what I have to look forward to. I've spent enough time being dead to know what I'm in for. Worrying about my sexuality is ridiculous. If I need to worry, I should worry about something I can control. My writing style, for instance. I start out too formal and end too informal. I still can't write a decent poem.
But I'm afraid I love Euphie. I don't know what "love" entails anymore, but I think I feel it. Was it better before I remembered and everything was numb? Of course, because what would I do if Euphie loved me back? Nothing.
Since I would do nothing, it doesn't matter whether or not she reciprocates.
I'm an idiot.
[ooc: The triumphant return of mopey tl;dr that no one can read!]
That was a strange curse, and strangely anticlimactic. I don't know what I was expecting, but it's worrisome--the sudden split, the apparent lack of control that the deities had over the event (but their amount of control has been brought into question before now), the abrupt disappearance of the desert. The City has an inherent instability to it. I understand that. I wish I understood something beyond that.
Someone--Rosella?--mentioned an hourglass. It seems like sand has always been making random appearances in the City (as far as I can remember) and everything seems to revolve around time: the Clock always (or almost always) ticks, the twelve apartment complexes are arranged around the center of the City like numbers on a clock face, most curses last twenty-four hours, other curses are so regular that they could be marked on a calender.
Sand and time. Did the hourglass get turned upside-down? Is there any significance to the fact that one City was sand and the other was glass when glass can be made from sand? How much control do the deities have and how much power do the other beings that we've seen before have? How much power do we have?
Not that it matters. The City exists whether or not we're here, whether or not we remember, and whether or not we care enough to worry about what it is and what its purpose is. Maybe the City isn't a sentient thing or a twisted experiment; maybe it's a world like any other where individuals don't mean anything. Maybe the Clock would keep ticking if we all vanished (if a clock works in a universe where no one can hear it, does it make a sound?). Right now, I'm inclined to think of us as grains of sand in relation to the City as a whole.
[Filtered to Neil and Todd // Unhackable]
I've been considering moving into my former apartment now that my memories have more-or-less been restored and I'm financially secure. I want to get a cat, too, but I didn't want to bring any pets into your apartment.
I'm not set on moving. [Being written, there is no pause here. It's strongly implied, however.] Not being alone is beneficial. Enjoyable, even. I do realize that I'm not the best company and that circumstances were different when you offered to let me live with you; I also don't think either of you would think to ask me to leave even if you'd rather not have me here.
Let me know what your thoughts are, please.
[Private // Off Network]
I haven't written anything down since the desert curse began. It's not for a lack of things to say or thoughts to get out of my head.
Gregor and Mendel were lost during the City's transformation into a desert. Their terrarium turned into sand along with the vast majority of my plants (it'd be more accurate to say that everything my plants need, from artificial lighting to appropriate soil, turned into sand and I couldn't replace everything fast enough to save them). I shouldn't care about insects, but I hope they didn't turn into sand as well. Maybe they escaped when the terrarium went. At least my books and journal survived.
Now that I remember her, I miss Neith. Cats are quiet, but they're more of a presence than insects. They don't get lost as easily in sand, either. I don't know what Shilo sees--saw--in insects.
I've been thinking about Shilo a lot. That time where I only half-remembered her and couldn't have told anyone why she was important or even who she was--that was strange. Why did I have to become obsessed with Euphie then? (I don't want to call it love. I don't like that word and I never should have said it.) If, hypothetically, Euphie had any interest in me, would I be unfaithful to Shilo? Is it possible to be unfaithful to someone who's in a different dimension and alive--someone who doesn't remember me? Were we even in a relationship where faithfulness was important?
Were we even in a relationship?
I can admit now that I loved Shilo (it's easier to use that word in the past tense), and I think she was the first person I loved. I liked being around her. I wanted her to be happy. I didn't mind holding hands or being close, which seemed significant since I didn't--and still don't--like that kind of physical proximity, usually. I feel the same way about Euphie. Not that we've been physically close that often, but when we have been, I haven't minded.
It doesn't matter with Euphie. She won't say it, or maybe she doesn't even know it, but she's beyond me. Shilo was, too, but at least Shilo and I were both just lonely teenagers (I keep thinking of myself as a teenager still, but I should be twenty or twenty-one by now). Euphie's a princess. She's not lonely. She doesn't need someone who's greatest asset is an ability to accept unusual backgrounds and hobbies.
I hope that Shilo isn't lonely at home. She's a good person; there was bound to be another good person for her.
I don't know why I'm even worrying about individuals when what I've really been questioning is my ability to be in a romantic relationship, or what kind. I thought I was attracted to Shilo and Euphie and Lisa before them, but was that attraction? I liked being around them, I was interested in them as people, and I didn't mind it when they were close. (I shouldn't talk about Euphie like she's not here anymore, should I?) That's it, though. I'm not interested in greater physical intimacy. Sex. I might as well write it since I'm the only one who will read this (unless I leave again, but when I'm dead I'm not in a position to care who reads what). I haven't wanted to have sex with any of the girls I've been attracted to.
Which leads to the obvious: have I wanted to be intimate with the same gender? I don't have anything against the thought, but I don't think that that's what I want. I've never had the same relationship with a boy as I have with a girl--not quite, and not for a lack of trying on the part of some parties--but I don't imagine feeling any differently. I liked being around Richard, mostly, and I was interested in his thoughts and who he was and how we interacted. I didn't like being too close to him. What does that mean? Was it just because it was Richard and I knew he was more of an opportunist than anything that can be strictly defined? Was I subconsciously attracted to him and consciously reacting the way I did in response to that?
I don't think so. I can't imagine wanting to be physically intimate--wanting to have sex--with anyone. The thought makes me uncomfortable. Sick, almost, like I'd crawl out of my skin if anyone got too close. It seems messy and disgusting and unnecessary.
I regret talking to Dean, but I stand by what I said: that's unnatural. People choose to be celibate, but I've only ever heard of anyone abstaining because of a lack of sexual attraction or desire when there was something wrong with them. It's not something I could go to a doctor about. I already know there's a list of things wrong with me; why worry about fixing something and leaving the rest? I might as well try to fix myself with antidepressants and hormone supplements.
Or I can keep self-medicating. I've worried about becoming an alcoholic before, but would it matter? I can't get deader. There's no one to disapprove (provided I keep paperwork in order and do whatever else Dean asks me to, but I could be drunk and high and manage the police force's paperwork better than him). I could move out and stop bothering Neil and Todd--stop keeping them from being happy. I want them to be happy. They're never going to be happy while I'm wallowing in misery in the other room because they're too good to not notice.
Sometimes I wonder why I worry about anything at all. No matter what I do, I'm still dead. That's what I have to look forward to. I've spent enough time being dead to know what I'm in for. Worrying about my sexuality is ridiculous. If I need to worry, I should worry about something I can control. My writing style, for instance. I start out too formal and end too informal. I still can't write a decent poem.
But I'm afraid I love Euphie. I don't know what "love" entails anymore, but I think I feel it. Was it better before I remembered and everything was numb? Of course, because what would I do if Euphie loved me back? Nothing.
Since I would do nothing, it doesn't matter whether or not she reciprocates.
I'm an idiot.
[ooc: The triumphant return of mopey tl;dr that no one can read!]
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I don't know of any safe zones. I take a gun.
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So they are an issue? .... [And, of course, he doesn't have a gun and doesn't know how to use one. He doesn't really want one, either. At least not at this age.]
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[Good. Ken's far too young for a gun. Giving children firearms will not be encouraged here.]
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Thank you for the information, Justin-san. I've never used the subway, and likely won't for a while, but this is still good to know. [To use.... Later.]
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Feel free to contact me.
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[Yeah, that's about right for Ken as well, though he can be patient about it.]
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