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boardwalk empire - jimmy darmody

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[Jimmy hasn't been around much in the last couple of days. There's a good reason for that, a damn good one, and he's about to make it known. He looks tired, worn down, maybe even a little sick as he turns the communicator towards himself to begin recording.]

I died.

[No preamble, no explanation for the moment.]

I died, 'n I don't know what to think about it. I don't know whether I could've done anythin' to stop it. I don't know why the hell I had to come back to life.

[He rests his chin on his hand, sighing.]

All I know is I could sure use someone to talk to right about now. Or drink with. I ain't picky.

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[He turns to smile at her, wanting a cigarette but feeling too lazy to reach for one, and not sure she'd be too pleased about him smoking in bed, either. Some people around here aren't. Funny, back home nobody'd seemed to care.]

Yeah?

[His grin is halfway between cocky and sweet, unsure of what, exactly, it wants to be.]

[How is it fair that he gets to have such a sweet smile, too? Penny's kind of in love with Jimmy right now.

And that is when reason really starts to trickle back in. She doesn't want any of that. Reason always brings anxiousness and guilt and other less-than-fun things with it. Maybe if she ignores it, it'll go away and she can stay relaxed and happy and a little in love for a while longer.]

I meant that--that no one's ever done anything like that for me. Even if it doesn't mean anything to you, it means a whole lot to me.

[He runs his fingers down her arm, unable to avoid touching her when she's so close, and they've just been so intimate.]

It meant somethin' to me. It just wasn't what I'd consider bravery. I care about you, y'know? I didn't want you to get hurt. Protectin' you was my instinct. That ain't gonna change.

[She sighs, content, and thinks about toying with Jimmy's hair. It looks a lot softer now than it does when it's slicked back.

And then reason breaks through, pushing aside the uncomplicated warmth of being with someone who cares. This is a place she's been before. Not this specifically, but the life-saving followed by the sleeping-with... there's a pattern here and it's not one that Penny likes. Panic and guilt vie for first place as she bolts upright, looking for her clothes, keeping the sheets close to her chest.]

Jimmy--I'm so sorry. I have to--this doesn't have anything to do with what you just said, okay? I promise, and it's nothing you did, it's totally me, I just have to... go, or something, or at least find my clothes.

Yeah, okay, I...

[He frowns, unsure of what had just happened. Maybe this had been a bad idea -- very likely it had been, but he's not known for his good ideas when it comes to sleeping with someone -- but she suddenly seems very upset, and he's not sure what to do about it.]

You don't wanna... talk about it? I mean, if I said somethin', if I did somethin' -- 'n I know you say I didn't, but if I did -- I don't want you to go away upset, okay?

[Oh, God. This isn't fair to Jimmy, is it? It's not like he's inside of her head and can tell that she's a giant bimbo who falls madly into bed with people who save her life (granted, it has only happened twice, but that's more for a lack of being saved than anything else), or that this is exactly the kind of thing that happened with Captain Hammer, which is what got her killed in the first place--

Jimmy's genuine confusion and concern makes it worse, somehow. Penny cares about him too much for this... whatever this was. Gratitude sex? It's cheap and he deserves better, and it'd be easier if he was like most guys and only cared on the way into the bedroom.

She situates the sheet more snugly around her and sits on the edge of the mattress, reaching out to grab Jimmy's hand.]

You didn't do anything wrong, it's this whole... thing, and it's not you. I mean, if anything, you're just... you're too good for this, you know? [Penny can't tell if she's even making sense anymore. She's half a second away from crying, too, and that would just make things more embarrassing.] You care. I don't know how to deal with that.

Penny, kid, you gotta believe me, I ain't too good for anythin'. This ain't even...

[He shakes his head, frustrated, unsure of how to express it, because somewhere along the line, Penny seems to have gotten this idea into her head that he's a good person, and no matter what he tells her, he can't seem to dislodge it. If he could, he'd tell her all the terrible things he'd done, but there's a self-protective, selfish element in his mind holding him back. He doesn't want her to shy away from him entirely. He doesn't want to have yet another person realize how truly rotten he really is.]

I do care. But it's just sex, y'know?

[That didn't come out how he wanted it to at all. It made it sound like he didn't value her, or what they'd just done. Dammit.]

I mean it doesn't have to change anythin', okay? You wanna pretend it never happened, we pretend it never happened. You wanna call it a mistake, we call it that.

[She doesn't even know what to say anymore because Jimmy's counterarguments sound pretty reasonable.]

I don't have just sex with people I care about. That's--but it totally wasn't a mistake, that's not what I mean... I don't know how to explain anything.

[In lieu of failing to explain further, Penny eases herself back into bed, still wrapped up, and hesitantly snuggles up to Jimmy like she expects him to tell her to make up her mind or get out.]

Can I just stay here for a minute?

I get it, okay? I know what you're sayin'. You don't gotta justify yourself to me.

[That much, he can understand. He wraps an arm around her, pulling her closer, turning that hesitant snuggle into a hopefully more secure one.]

You can stay as long as you need to. I ain't about to kick you out.

Okay.

[She's willing to believe that he's not just saying that to make her feel better, and this--this is nice. It's safe. Jimmy gets it (whatever it is), and he cares. He'll keep her safe. Penny relaxes into him, finds his heartbeat reassuring.]

Thanks, Jimmy.

No problem, kid.

[He doesn't exactly mean to, but he finds himself drifting into... not sleep, exactly, but something close. He feels content, and happy, and relaxed, and for all the complications that may arise out of this, he can't bring himself to think about them right now. When he wakes up a little, maybe, but not now.]

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