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boardwalk empire - jimmy darmody

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[Jimmy hasn't been around much in the last couple of days. There's a good reason for that, a damn good one, and he's about to make it known. He looks tired, worn down, maybe even a little sick as he turns the communicator towards himself to begin recording.]

I died.

[No preamble, no explanation for the moment.]

I died, 'n I don't know what to think about it. I don't know whether I could've done anythin' to stop it. I don't know why the hell I had to come back to life.

[He rests his chin on his hand, sighing.]

All I know is I could sure use someone to talk to right about now. Or drink with. I ain't picky.

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You mean not rotting and falling to pieces and stuff?

[ A wince, his expression flushing with chagrin. ]

I-I'm sorry, that's none of my business. [ There's a pause, before he offers a tentative half-smile. ] Either way, you seem to be taking it well. Or at least bravely. I'm sure I'd be a wreck in your shoes.

No, I mean, y'know, when most people come back around here, they're... still kinda dead. No heartbeat, no blood-flow, cold... 'n I'm just... back to normal. The way I was before I died.

I'm handlin' it as well as I can. What else can you do, y'know? Dying's the hardest part, right?

[He's not actually so sure of that... this being resurrected thing is pretty damn weird, too.]

You have a point. [ His shoulders hitch in a shrug of sorts. ] I'm not sure about dying being the 'hardest.' For some, it's the easy option. But living after any awful event ... that's got to be the toughest part.

[ A beat, before he shakes his head ruefully. ] Not that I'd know. I've never been dead. [ Well. He has been, once. For 0.5 seconds. Quieter, he asks, ] Is there anything I could get you? Food? A bottle of Glenmorangie, maybe?

I've lived after worse things than bein' dead.

[It's not bragging. It's just the way he sees things. His own death doesn't matter much in the big scheme of things.]

Well, I'm never gonna turn down alcohol, as long as someone's offerin'.

[ Dying is an inevitable side-effect of Hei's profession. For a decade he's been a Dealer in Death, wholesale and retail but never having to soil his own emotions with the stuff, even as he filled his hands with it night after night. Familiarity diminishes fear. When his own death comes, it'll come -- and there's no point losing precious sleep over it. ]

[ But until that time arrives, he's more interested in surviving. ]

As much alcohol as you want. There's a whole crate of unused stock at the cafe that no one even remembers anymore.

You mean that? I could sure use it. Got a lot to think about.

[This being alive again thing... he doesn't know that he likes it. Maybe he wishes he'd stayed dead. He's caused enough death -- maybe it was his turn to be on the other end of it. Being alive again complicates things.]

I'm sure you do. What's that phrase again? 'Dying and coming back gives you considerable perspective.' [ A wry little chuckle. ] It fits.

[ Being alive is a perpetual complication. Hei has polite chats with death wishes from time to time -- but he never takes them seriously. He's done terrible things himself, but it's not for him to dwell on his mistakes. You don't forget them, but you don't let the regret stagnate you either. Atonement is just a pretty word; the most you can do is balance it out, because in the end, life isn't about punishment or reward. It's about the equity of tangible damage. ]

[ Aloud, he says, ] I'll send the crate to your address. You deserve it, after that, um ... ordeal. [ He hesitates, then asks, ] Do you remember the face of your attacker? Was it someone from Topside?

Sure, that sounds like a pretty accurate phrase.

[He frowns, then shakes his head.]

Yeah, I think so. I'd know him if I saw him, but I haven't met the guy before. Y'know, I think a lot of it was 'cause of the curse that day, so how much can I really blame the guy?

[Jimmy has the potential for almost limitless aggression, but he also has the potential for almost limitless forgiveness. If the guy truly had been cursed, unable to control himself, then Jimmy can't possibly hold a grudge for long, can he?]

[ Limitless kindness doesn't exist in Hei's vocabulary. In his world, any softness is a liability. He knows anger is a useful motivating tool, if channeled properly. But revenge -- cold, calculated revenge -- is what offers it a trajectory. There are few more satisfying methods of catharsis. ]

[ More than that, it's a practical means of tying up loose ends. Making sure what hurt you once, never hurts you again. ]

You're right about that. [ A lie, but 'Li' is a gentle-hearted sort. ] With it being October, curses are at their worst. [ Such a convenient excuse, he thinks, for diffusing personal responsibility. ] Still, if the man remembers attacking you, he should at least apologize. For the principle of it. [ Pft. Principles. Apologies. (Such hypocrisy.) ]

Well, sure, I wanna talk to the guy. 'n if he ain't apologetic, well...

[There's an unpleasant little smile here, but it fades quickly. He doesn't need to advertise the fact that he'll beat the shit out of the guy -- maybe even kill him in return, it'd only be fair -- if he isn't appropriately apologetic. Those who know Jimmy already know that. Those who don't don't need to know it.]

[ Hei wouldn't be who -- what -- he is, if he didn't catch the smile, or understand the barbed implications tacked onto it. He's had a long and comfortable acquaintance with violence, but he's never been the type who's satisfied by a few fatal hits and a gush of blood. Contractors are killers. But they're also mind-fuckers. There are, he knows, a million and one bloodless ways to decimate someone's life. All you need is a sadistic blueprint to plan it out. ]

[ But he doesn't say that. Nor does he mention his suspicions that Jimmy's attacker might be the same one who attacked his sister, that same week. Instead, ]

I guess you'll have to wait and see. [ More kindly, ] Try not to dwell too much on it, until then. It could've been worse, right?

Could've been a lot worse. Penny could've died, I coulda come back as a goddamn zombie, or whatever the hell it is people come back as.

[A shrug.]

Anyway, you're right. Nothin' a couple drinks can't solve.

[He says that, but it's not true. There're countless elements of this that one drink or a million drinks can't even begin to approach solving, but it's a quick and casual way of acting like everything's okay, and he'll take it for now.]

[ No, it's not true. Alcohol, violence, sex -- they're all fast-tracks out of feeling shitty. More palliatives than cures. Hei has subscribed to them enough times in the past -- only to sink skull-deep in the bilge that erupted in their wake. Amber used to tell him Any hurt will take its own sweet time. Never rush it. Hei had taken that as green-light to put on the steely mask of a soldier, to build walls around everything that was too tender and shell-shocked to survive. ]

[ Not everything can be fixed. Sometimes functionality is good enough. ]

Try not to have too many drinks, though. [ He smiles with a good-natured but wry tilt. ] It'd be anti-climactic, coming back to life only to keel over from alcohol poisoning.

Believe me, I ain't gonna get too drunk. If I die from alcohol poisonin', you have my permission to laugh at me. Not like I'd know, but I'd be embarrassed anyway.

[Because of all the ways to go in the City, that'd be a sad one. It's tempting, sometimes, to give in and drink as much as he can until he can't remember anything anymore, but the problem with that is that, short of being perpetually drunk, he can't forget everything forever.]

[ Oblivion is a tempting state of mind. But not if it compromises your alertness. Hei deals too often with illusions to be comfortable with an alcohol-warped pocket of numbness. He's sent enough people to drown into those stagnant shallows of deception -- fellow mercenaries, politicians, counterculture failures, bankruptcy dregs, benefit scroungers, arms dealers, drug peddlers ... a whole litter of victims stranded in decrepit mental boxes that stink of cigarettes and baby shit and booze. ]

[ He has no intention of spiraling down with them. That would mean giving karma too much credit. ]

I wouldn't laugh. Of course, I'm hoping it doesn't happen in the first place. [ Still smiling, he adds, ] Take it easy, Mister Jimmy. If you need anything, don't hesitate to say so.

I'll try my best to take care of myself.

[That would probably entail not having died in the first place, but there's nothing he can do about that now except pick up the pieces and try to puzzle out why it all has him feeling so uneasy and conflicted.]

Thanks. See you around, kid.

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