poly_chromatic

[Video Post]
[Shake-and-shudder, and the video starts. There isn't much to see at first--an empty street at the edge of town, dark splashes on walls and puddles soaking into the dusty ground. The sun beats down on this lonely stretch of road.

The camera dips, shifts--it's hung from the horn of a saddle again and the horse has shifted his weight. Well well.

But there's a man out there in the road now, standing not too far away, watching patiently. Maybe you recognize his stance. He's hatless for once and sin le serape too. But hanging from his belt are two small bags filled with...something. Something heavy and round and colorful. They're within easy reach for him. I think we all know what these are. The horse nickers quietly.

He steps forward into the street, slowly, one step at a time...

--Out of nowhere, a red waterballoon!

It misses him, but barely, as it bursts in the dust. Instantly, he follows the path it must have taken. There's someone up there.

Fast as he is with anything, he has a waterballoon of his own in hand and has lobbed it back in answer. Splash! And that's it for that one.

He walks on.

Another someone, darting out from around the corner of a building--but too slow this time. Our Man has a waterballoon in hand and tosses it easily. Kasploosh! Done for.

He walks on.

He pauses now as two others step out into the road. They're both armed, one with another red waterballoon, the other with a yellow waterballoon. They stand there, considering one another. The wind blows among them. They raise the waterballoons--but not before the man has two of his own in his right hand. Their throws go wild and burst to either side of him. His throws land true and drench them from the face down, leaving them with knots and scraps of balloon in their hair. More finished.

He walks on...

The wind blows through again and, by the same chance that it swung the Network device open, it swings it shut again, shaking the feed to an end again and breaking the connection as easily as a waterballoon until--]
[//video post ends]

[ooc: YouTube has failed me, but this is an ad-hoc, water-fueled solo recreation of the "Two Against Five" scene in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (which is an awesome scene and involves railing-kills--I can provide you with music, at least). Action welcomed, if you wanna get soaked. Cowboy has good aim and a slingshot.]

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[Abed strolls towards him from the opposite direction, holding an open pocketwatch in his palm. At some point he found the time to change out of the tracksuit and into appropriate old West garb.]

[Abed, thank your lucky stars that this guy hasn't met El Indio yet. Otherwise things would be really confusing.

All right.

He stops, one hand close enough to the bag of waterballoons at his hip to make most people nervous.]

[Abed stops several yards away, his hand hovering above the waterballoons kept at his own hip.

Silence reigns supreme.

Except not really. Abed is humming western-style stand off music -- hey, no one else is going to provide the background music.]

[And so begins...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

...the standoff.]

[And what a standoff it will be, ladies and gentlemen. On one side, Abed Nadir, a man with the patience of a robot, who once waited 26 hours for a psychological study to start without moving a single muscle. On the other side, the Cowboy ~~aka Clint Fucking Eastwood~~, the man Chuck Norris checks for under his bed before going to sleep at night.

Who will make the first move?]

[Stillness isn't necessarily the way to go here, though. It's stillness and quickness.

Of course, once one moves, the other will too. More than likely.]

[Abed can move pretty quickly, but let's be real -- the Cowboy will totally pwn him. And it will be the best day of Abed's life.]

[Prepare to get pwn'd.

Maybe he counts heartbeats or watches the settling of dust. Maybe he watches for a move or a flinch in his opponent. Maybe he and all his kind just know the rhythms of these things. Maybe it's all of these things.

In any case, the moment comes and, faster than snakes or the blink of an eye (as the song goes), the waterballoon is thrown.]

[HE'S HIT! Not quite enough to knock him to the ground, but he falls down anyway, clutching his shoulder even though it was his chest that was hit.

He tries, with false weakness, to throw another water balloon, but then pretends to pass out.]

[... ... ...

...you totally just "died" like that guy he knew once--Ramon Rojo. I mean, without the well to lean on at the end, but close enough. Kind of fell over like Angel Eyes did. It's like a weird Angel Eyes/Ramon mash-up thing going on in the street.

All thanks to a waterballoon.

Now, see, this is the dangerous part: since this was just a waterballoon, getting too close to the "body" could result in a surprise "shot from nowhere." And we don't want that.

But, still, he saunters nearby, just to have a look...]

[When Abed commits to a scene, he commits to it. He stays "dead" for a few moments, then straightens up.]

Thanks for playing that out with me. It was fun.

[Don't mind him if he dips for the sack of waterballoons again. Call it instinct.

He straightens up himself.]

...

Glad you liked it.

[What does one say, exactly?]

How long have you been in the City? Have you been involved in a lot of shoot outs? What point are you from? Has Chuck Norris ever been here? If he was, did you ever get into a fight with him? And if you did, who won? If you haven't, do you think we could get Chuck Norris here and have you fight him?

[Newton's third law of motion is at work here -- the flood of questions isn't going to stop until acted upon by some outside force.]

[Very slowly and deliberately, he tosses aside the chewed-up end of his cigarillo. He draws a fresh one out of his shirt pocket and, just as slowly and deliberately, sets it between his teeth and, getting there eventually, lights a match off the seam of his jeans and, finally, lights the cigarillo.

He doesn't say anything, just settles his smoke in his teeth and...waits...]

Maybe it could be a rap battle, like Epic Rap Battles of History. Which is a weird name, since not all of them are about historical people. But there's a video with Chuck Norris rapping against Abraham Lincoln. It was kind of weird.