♕ |[ 88 ]| What did I know, what did I know, of love's austere and lonely offices?

[had_not_lived]

[ACCIDENTAL AUDIO]

--did a better job of it, you know. If only for a couple of days.

[Quietly, Neil's talking to... well, it's probably obvious. He doesn't sound angry; just a bit sad. Weary. It's been a long day, already. Now he pauses, listening to something inaudible.]

Not so badly after all, apparently. I almost wish you would come, just to visit-- to see what I've managed here. I think some of it-- some of it-- you'd have to be proud of. You would. At least a little bit.

[Another long pause.]

Well, of course not. [A sigh.] I'm trying to read, all right? You aren't real. Go away.

Comments

[dr_conscience]

[Nah, he's not going to say anything about that first sentence fragment.]

I think there's a lot to be said for a good pair of headphones.

[had_not_lived]

[The sentiment in that half-sentence is probably not quite so obvious to most of the City... Still, he doesn't exactly want to drag it out in public.

He laughs, and it's only a little exasperated.]

That's not a bad idea. I think we have earmuffs, somewhere in all the winter stuff...

[dr_conscience]

Might not be a bad idea to pull them out anyway, knowing summer in the City.

[And shifting his tone slightly,]

For whatever it's worth - I really don't see how anyone could not be proud of you. Even if it's not what they wanted for you.

[had_not_lived]

That's true, we usually have a Midsummer cold spell to match the Midwinter thaw.

I-- thank you. [Even if you're not his real dad.] Don't get me wrong-- I'm proud of what I've accomplished here, I just... think it'd take him some time to see why.

[dr_conscience]

[He's... remembered enough from some of their less pleasant conversations to have an idea.]

It might take him some time, but I do think he would. But if you're proud, if you're happy-- that's the most important thing.

[Residual fatherly feelings are... somewhat awkward.]

[had_not_lived]

Thank you, Dr. Wilson.

[Awkward is right, but the warmth in his tone is genuine.]

It's-- this isn't him, not really him. I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

[dr_conscience]

I know - you're hardly alone there, today.

Still. If he did show up, I think he'd get there.

[had_not_lived]

I think so. I really do.

[Private]

I did want to say-- thank you, for everything. Really. As strange as the weekend was... well, it wasn't a bad curse.

[Private]

[dr_conscience]

Well, you don't rally have to thank me, but... you're welcome. To be honest, it was one of the most pleasant curses I've been through here.

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

I thought so, too. I just-- I know, it's a little odd, because it wasn't real, but it was nice.

[Private]

[dr_conscience]

It is disconcerting, having an entire life you never lived thrust upon you for a couple of days, but, seeing as we don't really have a choice... I don't think there's much harm in enjoying a curse that isn't awful.

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

I do find it interesting, seeing who I might have been if things had been-- well, different, in whatever way the City chooses.

I think-- well, today's curse has made it clear my father wouldn't approve, but... I think you'd have been a good one.

[Better than his, maybe, but he won't go quite so far as to say it.

Not in so many words.]

[Private]

[dr_conscience]

[Kid, what are you doing to his heart?]

Well... thank you, Neil. That actually does mean a lot-- after all, that curse is the closest I've gotten so far.

[That sounds kind of pathetic, doesn't it? Sob.]

Your father, though... if you give them time, sometimes people can surprise you. I think it's important to remember that this is a curse, and that while you're probably not wrong, at least on his initial response, it's not necessarily how he would react so much as how you expect he would.

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

[Chalk it up to a leftover sense of closeness. It's weird, maybe, but it's hard to shake off something like that.]

I think it's just-- there are certain aspects of my life here that... I don't know if he could accept them, not really. But he might be able to look past that. I think, maybe it's just that I have a hard time imagining anything but him being angry.

[Private]

[dr_conscience]

[Wilson knows that all too well.]

I'm sure there are a lot of things he'd have a difficult time with - and, obviously, you know him far better than I do, so I would never dispute that. But I know that you're a smart, talented young man, and I know that you've really made something for yourself here. He might be angry at you, but I'm sure, deep down, he'd like to know that you're happy.

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

I think you're right. Thank you.

[Aw, Wilson. It doesn't even matter if you're not his real dad, you're still good at it.]

[othersdie]

They don't ever listen when you tell them they're not real.

[had_not_lived]

No, but I like reminding myself.

[othersdie]

Does it help?

[had_not_lived]

It keeps me from trying too hard to change his mind.

[othersdie]

That's something.

[Justin wants to offer to do something vaguely helpful, but he doesn't have any ideas. Maybe the sentiment gets across, unspoken as it is.]

[had_not_lived]

[Most of the time Neil's pretty good at translating Justinese, so he's got the idea. More or less.]

How are you?

[Cursed?]

[othersdie]

[Neil's quite clever. It's not an easy language to learn.]

Not cursed. We said all we needed to say last time.

[And still just barely on this side of functional after Mara being murdered and Euphie leaving and curses, but that doesn't need to be put into words. At least he has the cat. This one's considerably more affectionate than Neith was.]

Maybe the City only brings fathers back when something's been left unresolved.

[had_not_lived]

That would... make sense, maybe.

I don't think this is likely to resolve anything, though. Not for me, anyway.

[othersdie]

No. Probably not.

[A hesitation, and then a rather bold proclamation.] I think that a normal parent would be proud. Of you--what you've accomplished here.

[had_not_lived]

[It's possibly the nicest thing Justin could have said, which means it takes Neil a moment to figure out how to reply.]

Thank you. Really. [A pause, a little embarrassed, but not in a bad way.] I think-- if he were really here, he might even. A little bit. [If he heard running a bookstore and owning property and arranging plays before he got to the bit about Todd.]

[othersdie]

You're welcome.

[Because, as heartfelt as that was, it's hard to come up with a decent follow-up.]

Only a little?

[had_not_lived]

I think it'd take him a while to get over my not being a doctor.

[othersdie]

All things considered, he should be able to forgive that.

[had_not_lived]

If he were here, really, then maybe.

[anunluckypenny]

Neil? Are you okay?

[Well, no, duh--talking to a ghost-dad.]

I mean, would anything help... quiet him down, or something?

[had_not_lived]

He's not so bad, really. I can handle it.

I think this is one I've just got to wait out.

[anunluckypenny]

Okay.

...Look, I know that whole family curse was kind of weird, but if you ever need anything, I'd really like to help. When I can, I mean, not when... ghost dads are hanging around.

[had_not_lived]

Thanks, Penny. Really, though, it's all right. It's not so bad, just hard to concentrate.

[Private]

But... Can I ask-- about that, how much do you remember about it?

[In other words, do you know about your former-sort-of-step-son's boyfriend?]

[anunluckypenny]

Alright.

[Private]

About the family thing? Basically all of it... at least, you know, the things that happened. I don't remember getting married or anything, but brunch and the-- [and hanky panky with Wilson, but let's not mention that] --everything.

Why? Did you forget, or is there stuff I should forget?

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

[Let's not mention that indeed, Neil hasn't thought about the logistics of that and he doesn't want to.]

Well, not exactly-- just--

The thing is, not everyone knows. About me and Todd, I mean, and-- if you could just not mention it to anyone, we'd really appreciate it.

[Private]

[anunluckypenny]

About you and...? Oh, the--okay, no, I totally understand, and I won't say anything to anyone. It's alright, though, you know? The City's pretty accepting. Some of my best friends're in really good queer relationships.

[Oversharing? Yes. Definitely.]

Sorry. But I promise.

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

No, I know; I know. It's not that. The people who do know have never given us any trouble, and-- well, Billy and Teddy never seemed to have any trouble, or anyone else I've known who was. Like us.

It's not even exactly secret, it's just... private. [Saying it that way sounds ridiculous, even to him.] I guess it's just hard to get used to.

[Private]

[anunluckypenny]

Well... if you don't want too many people knowing, that's good enough for me. As long as you're happy.

[They were so cute during the curse. Penny sincerely hopes they're that adorable the rest of the time.]

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

[Lady, you have no idea.]

We are, we really are. And-- I mean, we are a lot more open about it than we used to be, just... not as open as I thought we were over the weekend. So it's kind of strange, explaining it after the fact.

[Private]

[anunluckypenny]

[Then carry on being adorable! The City needs some functional relationships in it to give everyone else a little hope.]

I think I get it, though. That kind of thing isn't as okay wherever you're from as it is here, right?

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

More the when than the where, from what I can tell.

But... that's it, or part of it, anyway.

[Private]

[anunluckypenny]

When makes a lot of sense, too.

Whatever the rest of it is, my lips are sealed. Completely. And that applies to my fingers, too, although I don't know the "lips zipped" finger equivalent.

[Private]

[had_not_lived]

Thanks, Penny. On Todd's behalf, too.